Remembrance - Day 40 of 40

"Peace comes from remembering Love is real." 

Yes. 

💕

And that's what my sweet little 40-day practice has been about. . .

Remembering some of the dear people 

who have touched my heart with their presence 

and Grounding, 

rooting myself in their Love. 

Smiling because along with Peace?

Grace, Mercy, Hope, and Joy 

have tagged along as well. 

It has indeed been a very good season of Remembrance. 

Warm thanks to those of you who have been following along 

and holding me in your thoughts and prayers. 

Blessed be. 

💕

.           *           .

Eventide Remembrance

.         *         .

Remembrance - Circles of Love

Continuing to bask in their love

and hold them close

as I draw more names.

.            *            .

Remembrance - Day 12 of 40

Once again, I find myself smiling fondly

at the 2 lovelies that showed up together. 

.      .      .     .      .

Nightie was a playful soul that I met in a shared online space.  We cared a great deal for 

one another and, even as busy as she was, when she noticed I went quiet she would send 

me a little love note to check on me and see how I was doing.  She was a quiet one and 

whether we noticed it or not, her strength held us.  "Den Guardian" was the perfect role 

and name for her.  She was (and still is) our Protectress.

She lived several states away and I had the very good fortune of seeing and hugging her 

in person several years in a row.  At my first of our group's annual gatherings and feeling

a bit nervous, we were invited to stand so our leader could go around the circle and bless

each one of us.  Sure, I could've reached down for Bert and Ernie for support.  Instead I 

asked Nightie if she would help me and she was right there for me to lean on (again).

Several years later at our group's annual gathering she hosted a Babylon 5 trivia contest.  

So that I could play with at least a little knowledge, hubby and I watched all the episodes

before our convention.  Grinning because it just might've delighted her more than it did 

me that I came in second place and won the little figurine leaning against my candle.

The last time I saw her was 6 years ago at our annual September "in the fur" gathering 

which I *almost* didn't attend.  I'm so glad I did because 2-1/2 weeks later she was gone. 

A year later I believe she did come to check on me in person.  I was sitting at the little

church that I so love to attend on a dark Saturday night.  When I turned around to offer

the sign of peace, a woman who's hair and build reminded me *eerily* of Nightie was 

standing behind me.  I was working up the courage to ask her after mass if we might 

could share a hug in honor of my friend but when I turned back around?  She had slipped

out.  While I was sad, somehow it felt right to be looked in on for a few brief moments.

And just like her . . .  she saw that I was fine and so she went on about her other rounds.

.      .     .     .     .

Margie was the play therapist at The Children's Hospital in Boston and just the breath 

of fresh air I needed during a difficult time.  We met her on my first short trip up for 

evaluation when Moma was with me.  I made the second trip up for 7-1/2 weeks of 

radiation by myself and spent most of my outpatient days on the oncology floor, waiting 

for the woman who had generously opened her home to me to finish her volunteer 

work and was ready to take me home with her for the night.  

Back home the hospital I stayed in didn't have a children's ward so this was a whole 

new world to me.  Along with Margie's steady weekday company, one of the most 

memorable lessons for me was, unless we weren't feeling well, we were expected 

to get up, get dressed and stroll down to the huge, bright playroom at the end of the 

hall.  This helped me to understand how influential the way we behave can very much

have an effect on how we feel.  We were kids with cancer, not cancer that had kids.  

The playroom was filled with all sorts of toys and one wall was lined with windows 

overlooking the city.  Margie often sat in one of the small chairs at the low-to-the-

ground tables, perfectly adjusted for kids.  

I remember she was the one who taught me how to say "Massachusetts" ("chew" not 

"too") and she had a big, ready smile.  She was a welcomed companion and anchor in 

the storm that I came to rely on.  

I wish I had her address or knew how to contact her and have tried several times but

to no avail.  Perhaps it's how it's meant to be.

.      .      .     .      .

When we die . . .

Failed attempts to stay connected to one another . . . 

Sometimes . . . ?

It's all a Mystery.

Still.

They were both very much about Seeking Joy.

and I loved them dearly.

Blessed be.

💙  .  🙏🏻  .  💙

.           *          .

Remembrance - Day 7 of 40

Smiling big as these two 

are the *Perfect* Sunday morning pilgrimage companions. 

💜 . 💜

Judy, my favorite chaplain at the hospital was the very first woman minister that I'd 

ever met.  She was both tender and tough and we spent so many hours together at my 

bedside and once she had me over to her home to share a meal with her and her two

children.  Probably shouldn't have but did anyway.  I liked that rebel side of her.  It

inspired me.  

She was one of those dears that I continued to send Christmas greetings to and I was 

delighted whenever I'd hear back from her.  Last year, her card was returned as 

non-deliverable and so I did some googling and discovered she had passed.  Her obit 

includes a picture and while she doesn't look like I remember, I do love the photo as it

captures her mischievous side.  

.     .    .     .      .

Karl was my most dearest and most precious Al-Anon sponsors and we walked thru

*a lot* together, including my Moma's death.  He listened and loved, listened and offered

wisdom, and then listened and loved some more.  I've often said he provided some of

my best mothering because it's true.  I would *not* be the woman I am today were it

not for his precious presence in my life.

.     .    .     .      .

Yes, wise angels, these two dears in particular encouraged me to be Brave while also 

providing the safe space and brave containers that I needed to process so many of my 

feelings so I could do just that.

Blessed be.

.           *           .

Remembrance - Day 6 of 40

Dr. Cannon was a wise psychology professor and I felt very blessed to be included under

his wing, a place usually reserved for divorced women starting their lives over and looking

to support themselves and their children.

He had so many gems of wisdom that he shared over and over in class (so we'd remember)

and, to this day I often quote him.  He also saved me (and others) a lot of heartbreak by

walking me out of my very last exam under him, put his arm around me and gently said

he didn't think I was cut out for the front lines.  It was very hard to hear this from him...

what else would I do with my life?  But what I also knew in my bones is that he deeply

cared for me and if this crusty curmudgeon was telling me this in such a tender way?

I needed to listen. 

And, in time, I came to know he was very right.    

When I was creating my list of 40's, I originally had planned to put him on a blue slip

of paper but then I got to wondering if perhaps he'd already passed.  In doing a bit of 

googling I found his obituary here.  Rest in Peace, Dr. Cannon!

.     .     .     .     .

Bill iss a kind soul who was very supportive of me not long after my parents divorced.

I'm not sure how we got connected really, other than being in the same parish.  He has 

a wonderful hearty laugh and helped me to reason things out a few times, even going to

bat for me once when I'd hit a car in a parking lot.  

I love that we've exchanged Christmas greetings all these years.  Although, she says with

a sad smile, his health has been deteriorating and he made a note in last year's card that

it may be the last one he sends.  I send him my love and prayers.

.     .     .     .     .

At first I felt confused when "Engage" came up with these two men but then I looked

it up in my guidebook.  "Engagement means making an active connection with 

someone or something.  Accepting the invitation."  Ah, yes.... I see it, angels.  Both of

these fellas kindly accepted the invitation to be gentle guides in my life.

Blessed be.

💜  .  💛  .  💜

.          *           .

SaveSave

Remembrance - Day 5 of 40

Mary Ann was a very dear soul,

a greeter at the quiet little church

that I like to slip off to on a Saturday evening.

Whenever she saw me, she always lit up

and had the biggest hug,

ready and waiting.

If hubby was with me, she hugged him, too.

If he wasn't, she asked about him.

She always called me her angel which touched my heart.

But what she didn't realize?

She was more of an angel to me than I could ever be to her.

She passed unexpectedly in her sleep the day after Christmas.

I just "happened" to be at mass that next Saturday. 

So while it knocked me in the heart to hear of her passing,

I was so grateful to be able to attend her funeral.

It didn't surprise me a bit that she was so very loved.

.   .   .   .   .

Sandy was one of my very first nurses.

She was always so kind and supportive of me

and she was the best "sticker" I knew.

She could always get the needle in for my next iv

which with my veins?

Was no simple task.

One of the medications I received,

adriamycin, was a devil of a drug.

You could only receive so much of it 

before it would start to do damage to your heart

and it had to be *exactly* in your vein or it would tear up

the tissue it came in contact with.

Knowing this Sandy always started her search for good vein

with rubber gloves on.

But if she couldn't get the vein just right, she often removed 

the glove so she would be sure to get it.

How do I know this?

Because her hands were covered in red splotches

where the medicine had dripped out on her skin and burned it.

There was something about knowing that about her,

that she wanted to get it right that bad?

I felt like she was truly in the battle for my life

with me.

At first, I was upset with my doctor 

for taking her away to be his nurse

at the new cancer center he'd helped build.

But when he said it was *because* she was such a good stick

and shouldn't that be where she belonged?

I understood.

Yes, of course, he was right.

(But I didn't hafta like it :) )

.   .   .   .   .

Listen is exactly perfect.

I felt heard, seen, cared for,

 and loved by both of them.

Blessed be.

.            *            .

November Remembrance - The Story & Day 4 of 40

So I had this idea. . .

And as wonderful ideas sometimes do, it's been blossoming into a lovely practice for this, 

the month of Remembrance, that blessed time of year when we intentionally remember 

our loved ones who have passed on.

I'm not sure, she says with a twinkling grin, why it never really occurred to this deep lover 

of the Communion of Saints before that *this* is the perfect time to honor and celebrate 

those I dearly love and a concept that speaks so deeply to my soul. This one is in my bones.

So! With next month being the 40th anniversary of the discovery of my bone cancer and 

my parents divorce, and a friend reminding me that 40 is a significant number in the Bible 

(the Israelites wandered for 40 years and Jesus fasted for 40 days), I wondered if I could 

come up with 40 beloveds that have been particularly close to my heart and touched my

soul over the years? And, if so, might I ask them to pray for and walk with me during this 

holy Anniversary time? 

Turns out, she says with a fond smile, that I came up with more than 40! (Who knew?!) 

As I was listing those treasured ones, dearies that have not yet passed (thank you, 

Mama Grace!) kept coming to mind as well. Smiling big as I remembered we are all a 

part of the Communion of Saints so why not? Could I come up with 40 treasured living 

souls as well? (Turns out there were more than 40 of those as well). So by this time, I'm 

feeling deeply grateful and tenderly held. 

I originally thought I would just make a list of those sweet souls and keep it close and that 

list is here, gently propped against the lamp (a light unto my feet). Then it dawned on me, 

why don't I also put their names on slips of paper - cream for departed, blue for still here - 

and draw one of each in the morning to see who in particular I might ask to spend that day 

of remembrance with me? Then I thought what if I chose a word and an angel card, too, 

and just prayerfully played with how they might all fit together?

With my box of words hanging out on the dining room table this morning, I drew my word 

first on my way here to my chair. "Hmmmm.. Trickster," I thought. Sitting down and settling 

in with my warm cup of creamy chai on this chilly, rainy autumn morning, I gently shook 

up my box of names and drew these 2 beauties out. I'm still grinning big as these two in 

particular had a wonderfully playful mischievous side. Tricksters of the very best kind indeed.

Blessed be. 

❤️❤️

.           *           .

November Remembrance - Day 3 of 40

Annette and Susan are my husband's baby sister aunts

so it seemed right to include them together.

Annette was a month old when she died.

 Susan died in their dear mother's womb ten years later.

While we've never met,

I trust they both watch over both hubby and me

and I warmly welcome them 

into my circle of dearly beloveds

(where they belong).

.     .     .

Terri, a few years ahead of me in college, 

is a dear soul who played guitar and

who gave me a lot of the love I needed

when we in Newman club together.  

I am still so touched by one memory in particular.

After an emotional day at a weekend retreat,

we were sitting under the low-to-the-ground

wide wingspan of a sheltering tree, 

Terri's arm protectively, firmly wrapped around my weeping self.

She was a willing and wondrous container 

and in that moment I felt so tended, so held and so loved.

Looking up, I commented how it felt like 

we were under a protective mama bird's caring wing.

.     .     .

Ah, Mama Grace, 

you were already calling to me way back then,

weren't you?

So in a very real way, 

this trio is a Blessed Bridge to you

and all of my Auntie Angels.

Blessed be.

.          *          .

 

All Hallow's Eve

Fondly remembering their love. 

#AllHallowsEve

.         *          .

Follow Grace . . .

. . . with my face, 

(Just like a beautiful Sunflower does.)

🌻

.             *           .