Remembrance - Day 17 of 40

So I had 4 babies I wanted to remember - 2 little girls and 2 little boys (daddy's big brother 

and my sister's sweet little one). I really loved the idea of putting them together.

And So loving that these special angel boys are paired with Dr Periman, my cancer dr.

I wasn't too sure about the word "consume" and almost put it back but I thought, no, it's the
word that chose me.  Just sit with it and see what comes.

Then I saw them all grinning at me... I felt AWFUL Monday night and all day yesterday,
throwing up twice, 8 hours apart. Yuck. I'm pretty sure it was the very acidic spaghetti
sauce I'd made with wine in it.

So between them and Archangel Ariel, I saw them wisely reminding me to use care in
what I watch, read, eat, and take in.

Yes.

As an aside, Tadd said "you can't hold your liquor, can you?" 😉 It's not the first time I've
gotten that sick after eating something with wine in it. The last time was after we ate out
to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in FL.

.        *              .

Remembrance - Day 7 of 40

Smiling big as these two 

are the *Perfect* Sunday morning pilgrimage companions. 

💜 . 💜

Judy, my favorite chaplain at the hospital was the very first woman minister that I'd 

ever met.  She was both tender and tough and we spent so many hours together at my 

bedside and once she had me over to her home to share a meal with her and her two

children.  Probably shouldn't have but did anyway.  I liked that rebel side of her.  It

inspired me.  

She was one of those dears that I continued to send Christmas greetings to and I was 

delighted whenever I'd hear back from her.  Last year, her card was returned as 

non-deliverable and so I did some googling and discovered she had passed.  Her obit 

includes a picture and while she doesn't look like I remember, I do love the photo as it

captures her mischievous side.  

.     .    .     .      .

Karl was my most dearest and most precious Al-Anon sponsors and we walked thru

*a lot* together, including my Moma's death.  He listened and loved, listened and offered

wisdom, and then listened and loved some more.  I've often said he provided some of

my best mothering because it's true.  I would *not* be the woman I am today were it

not for his precious presence in my life.

.     .    .     .      .

Yes, wise angels, these two dears in particular encouraged me to be Brave while also 

providing the safe space and brave containers that I needed to process so many of my 

feelings so I could do just that.

Blessed be.

.           *           .

Breathe September 2017 :: Day 12 - Fun

Fun 

... is finding a wonderful surprise tucked in our mailbox yesterday! 

 Such a heartwarming bright spot on a dark and chilly day. 

(Still no power)

#BreatheSeptember2017

.           *           .

Be Strong, Be Brave, Be You

Our suitcases have been emptied

and most of the laundry has been done.  

Along with going thru our pictures 

in the last 3 days,

I've just about filled this little 40 page notebook

with snatches and snippets 

and feelings and thoughts

about our recent trip to visit my family

for our nephew's graduation.

Such a welcomed companion 

and quiet reminder

during this, the first phase

 of my emotional and spiritual unpacking.

💕

.          *          .

Tryin' Again

Work was mighty tough yesterday

#BeKindBeBraveBeCurious

.         *           .

And I see my dear Moma in my face in this one.

Reckon that means she's watching over me?

Yes, I think so, too.

.          *           .

Being Seen :: Tears

I took this photo this morning before I got up to get in the shower. I had just written a note to

myself of all of my fears and then, as invited in our Being Seen e-course, I folded it up so that

all of my fears were tucked inside.  As Brene Brown has taught me to do, I then wrote a 

permission slip on a blue post-it note, taped it to the top of my fears and held it to my heart 

along with a sweet little red heart that was close by.

When I was in daily mass a short while later, a ritual that comforts, blesses, and soothes me, 

and on my way to communion, I accidentally tripped and fell back onto the chair behind me. 

I am permanently on crutches and pretty solid on them so it was startling for me, and three 

women from three different directions rushed to me to see if I was ok.

While grateful for their concern to be sure, I felt embarrassed and also annoyed and frustrated 

with myself. One kind-hearted woman sensed my discomfort and warmly shrugged it off with 

a "it just happens sometimes" which was such a gift.

Returning from communion and sitting in my seat, I was surprised to have tears well. I reminded myself that this was a safe space and there was at least 10 minutes before mass was over so 

it was ok to let them fall. (hmmm.... tears well as I type). I think if I had been alone, I might've 

sobbed (we are headed to Texas for a short visit with my family later this week and work has 

been so tough for four months now with a new supervisor.  The transition simply isn't going
well for me). 

I had planned some errands after mass but was still pretty shaken up so I came on home and 

laid down. Afterwards, I looked at this picture and was surprised to see that in reality? 

The tears were already right there . . .

. . . here.

.              *               .

April Love :: Day 16 :: Dear Legs

Dear Legs,

There've been a few times in my almost 54 years when there was talk of letting the left one 

of you go. 

The first time was when cancer was discovered in my 15-year old body and my "NO" was 

adamant. Smiling softly as my actual words to the orthopedist were "If I'm dying in 6 months, 

I'm taking my leg with me!" 

My new-to-me oncologist had said "the bone cancer you have is one that grows very fast and 

if we don't start you on chemo right away, you won't make it 6 months." While I know he 

never would have gone against my wishes, something I still deeply appreciate about him to 

this day, in hindsight, I don't believe he would've agreed to my NO "as easily" if he didn't 

think it wise.  Instead, I believe he knew that my fierce tenacity would be an important key 

in helping me to survive. ❤️

And the last time, 28 years ago, the raging infection was *so* bad, that third round of infection

since my cancer as a teen. I was 26, had been in the hospital for 3 months starting just 3 weeks 

after we got married, all a short 8 months after I had moved 21 hours away from my entire 

family and the only life I had known.  I was feeling so discouraged and depressed that I 

seriously considered letting go for a very short while. 

Hands down, the hardest time in my life. 

Thank God for the loving angels gathered around me, in particular my sweet husband and a few 

dear ministers. Their kind & willing presence, patient empathy, & wise words helped me know 

that, while things were certainly dire, they weren't life threatening and, at that point, it would 

have been a sacrifice I would deeply regret. . . forever. 

And sure enough, being home with my darlin' hubby and taking lots of soul soothing baths 

(I am a water baby for sure), in time the big, bad infection subsided. 

The only remnants are my left leg is about 8" shorter than my right and I have some pretty big 

battle scars on the outside of my left thigh. But then it was a pretty big battle. 

And between you and a little help from my crutch friends, Bert and Ernie? I get along just fine. 

I am so grateful to still have both of you, dear legs. 

So, *so* deeply grateful. 

Blessed be. 

❤️

#aprillove2016

Edited on 4/25/16 to add:

As I read back over my words this evening I wanted to clarify something that feels really important.

I was still on antibiotics when I went home and closely monitored because my infection was very, very serious. To give you an idea, my doctor at Emory (a big, well-known teaching hospital here in Atlanta), who traveled the world teaching doctors how to treat big time infections, said that mine was the second worst he'd ever seen.

So when they sent me home, I knew the deal was that if things took a turn for the worst, I would need to come right back into the hospital. I was just so deeply grateful and profoundly relieved for the doctors willingness to let me try to just be at *home* for a while.

Still, she says with a soft smile. . . there's not a doubt in my mind that the love of my dear hubby, being home, and the baths in my own tub helped to soothe and heal my broken spirit for sure. I believe *in my bones* that this is what helped me (finally) to turn the corner.

❤️

.             *            .

Blessing Basking :: Day 5

Today I am *deeply* grateful 

for my sweet Fall companion,

a very wise and gentle teacher indeed.

.              *             .

Breathing thru the "Triggered" . . .

. . . and wanting, 

trying 

to remember 

to trust.

.          *          .

Watering My Soul and Basking in Enough

I said what I needed to say 

and set a boundary 

with the intention of choosing Love 

this morning. 

It wasn't perfect by any means 

but I did it!! 

Basking in Enoughness, 

I took this photo afterwards. 

(And look! No more churning belly! )

Then, 

after running a couple of errands,

I took the scenic route on my way home 

just so I could pause by this small, nearby pond. 

Ahhhhh . . . rest (and water) for my soul. 

 ❤

Where I Stand

"Where I stand. Admiring my new shoes before sitting down to lunch."
(These are the words I paired with my photo when sharing it on Instagram a week ago.)

This is actually a much bigger deal than it looks. Because of complications from bone cancer in my left hip 37 years ago, my left leg is 8" shorter than my right and my crutches are permanent. So when I stand, while my right foot sits flat on the floor, my left foot is up on my tippy toe. "The way I come" makes buying shoes tricky and something I *really* struggle with... My first thought at the prospect is "I *hate* buying shoes" and it's probably been 5 years since I last found some I liked and therefore kept. 

So. To find a new pair of shoes that I actually like and think they're going to work out because they aren't bending uncomfortably over my left toes (yay!), is a *very* big deal for me.

And this is the part where I say thru tears that it's not just about the shoes and trying to get some that fit right. It's also about the big grief in how my body is so different now . . . from what she used to be (and from what I would want). Having had 30+ surgeries on my left leg alone and with most of my femur removed, it's not the prettiest of legs ever. 

I became aware several years back that, feeling my body had betrayed me, I had basically moved out of "her," taking up residence in my head and heart. Coming back down into the full part of me has been something I've played with.... not an easy prospect to consider when you've been "gone" for more than 30 years and one that needs to be taken slowly, care-filled-ly and ever-so-tenderly. 

Tears well again as I add, my body could've given up on me a long time ago, having had several opportunities (she and I have been thru a lot together) but "she" never did, even when I moved out.

There was a time, she adds quietly, when, very briefly, I considered amputation. But in the end, just as I couldn't do it when my cancer was discovered ("If I'm dying in 6 months, I'm taking my leg with me!" I defiantly said at 15), I couldn't do it when I was fighting such a big infection 10 years later. (This was 3 weeks after we were married (almost) 27 years ago and I had been in the hospital for 3 months with another *huge* infection). 

I have loved Liz Lamoreux's mirror meditation so much.  I first learned about it in her original Water Your Soul e-course and it's been good to come back home to that practice thru selfies.  (Fyi - she isn't currently running that e-course right now but she also talks about mirror meditation in her book, Inner Excavation.)

While I did abandon my body, she has never abandoned me. Instead she has simply, quietly, faithfully been waiting for me to come "home" to her. It's moments like these that bring home for me that fact that I believe she continues to patiently wait for (and with) me.  And, as they usually are, not far away are Mama Grace and Auntie Mercy, Enough, Hope, and now Peace blessing, tending and loving this reunion back into to being as well.

Perhaps I'm ready to go a little deeper by "looking (back) with love" at my sweet leg who has been thru so much? 

Ah, yes. 

Perhaps indeed.... 

♥

(grateful for your witness)

.             *             .

Please See, Listen and Hear (and Value) Me

Don't worry!
You'll find I'm a real laid back boss.
Are you making this harder than it has to be?

.     .     *     .     .

Do you see me?

Are you listening?
Do you hear me?

My 10-1/2 years of experience is significant.
My eye for detail is of value.
*Especially* in a CPA firm.
We are entrusted with folks' financial information.
We want to be professional, internally and externally.

In written communication?
I've got this down in spades.

I want to be someone folks enjoy working with.
("I think," says this very real introvert on crutches)
And a lot of days I am.
But, gracious!!
There are days when I really struggle with working with others,
especially in person.

Days like today.

.     .     *     .     .

When he first started, he took refuge in my office saying
"This is my safe space" and "Nobody can find me here."
As I started training him, I told him "I'm not going to offer a lot of opinions,
I'm going to let you form your own.  You are certainly welcome
to ask me anything you want."

He was grateful.

Early on, he said to me "I'm sure you have a job here for as long as you want."

And underneath it all,
(I'm not even sure I can put it into words yet)
I feel like I've fallen off that pedestal a little bit
(part of me fears it's really "a lot")
and I'm uncertain what to do about that.
(Am I actually thinking I want back up there?)
(Who are you answering to, precious one?)

It's also like I'm not allowed to feel my very real and valid frustrations and anger.
He wants to move on to "it's over," all easy breezy.
(As if it were that simple)
And maybe it is .... for him.
(never has been for me)

It's like he's way too interested in it not being a "thang,"
that he doesn't listen to what would be helpful.
(and, yes, you just might have to pick thru the details a little bit)
(maybe that's what he thinks he's doing?)

What it feels like is happening is he shuts down instead.
Being so hyper-sensitive, I sense it
(and I so wouldn't want to impose
*or* be too big)
so I get all weird
and shut down.

.     .     *     .     .

Right now, I'm just too weary.
I've been working a couple 5-1/2 hour days a week
(at least)
and it's just too much.

Sure, the extra money has been nice.
But at what cost, honey?
Do we really need it that much?
No.

And I think my soul is longing for more.
For an intentional, meaning-filled life outside of work.

I miss writing my heart out on a regular basis.

Hmmmm.... guess it was starting to become very clear to me
that it was time to leave my online group two years ago now.
I still wanted to give it another month
just to be sure.
It was a big thing to consider leaving after all,
very painful and heartbreaking.
Still, it was the right decision for me.

It's been tough to cobble together a new community.
Something I long (and sometimes ache) for
- that connection I need
(and am wired for) -
in other places.

Part of it is me and the fact that I've given my all to work in the last 1-1/2 years.
Our new major software upgrade and "let's look at all of our procedures while we're at it"
has been pretty intense and all-consuming.
Unlike most folks in the office, it's literally touched
every. single. keystroke. I make.
Lots of my procedures have been reworked as well.

It's like I'm just now waking up from all of that and looking around.
And I want more.
I need more.

(So what that tells me is, even if my supervisor had never left back in July
- right as I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel
and starting to breathe easier -
I would still probably be feeling some of what I'm feeling right now.)

This is all good, my darlin'.
Hard.
But good.

So perhaps I'm not as "off" and out of step as I feel?

Maybe these feelings and nudges are important?

Could very well be.

Mama Grace, Auntie Mercy, Enough, Hope and now Peace, please be with me and guide me?

Always, Baby.

Blessed be.

P.S. - Where do you think the nudges are coming from?

.          *           .

Blessing Basking ~ Day 25

Today I am grateful for how uplifted I feel when I watch this show 

(So You Think You Can Dance, too!). 

Following their journeys 

and seeing how hard both the contestants and pro's work 

and the unexpected creativity born 

from working what you have inspires me so much! 

(Congratulations, Alphonso!)

.               *             .

A Love Letter to Debbie Jo

(me, 4 years old)

Dearest Debbie Jo,

Yes, wee one,
still alive and well,
and watching from
inside my heart . . .

She's gone.

And I *know*
it scratches at
some tender,
broken places.

(How on earth could it not?)

But this time?
It's different.

I know, my love.
It's hard to believe,
when the feelings
and the memories
are so present.
Big, yet *almost*
imperceptible.

But it really is
.  .  .  true  .  .  .

I, the woman,
Debbie Grace
am here now,
 .   .  too   .   .

You are no longer
.  .  .  alone .  .  .
That precious child,
.  .  abandoned  .  .
by her beloved Moma
at a time when you
so desperately needed her.

It *was* devastating,
no doubt about that.
But that all happened
a lifetime ago.
(dropping to a whisper)
It's over now, my sweet.

So cry the tears,
bottled up for years,
aching, *needing* to be shed.
This is how healing spreads.

And when you are ready,
as best you can,
come back
.  .  (((home)))  .  .
to *this* moment.

Intentionally take the time
to look around and see.
Nesting in the safety of the
warm, encircling sea.

I am here
Mama Grace is here
Auntie Mercy is here
And, lookie right over there ...
Sisters, Enough and Hope,
are keeping watch, too

Gently wrap yourself
in our tender care,
watching as each one
joins her love with
that of all of the other
so-honored-to-be-yours mothers.

Moma, who can
now love you as
she yearns towards you
from her perch in heaven.

All of your grandmothers . . .
by blood,
by marriage
and by heart.

Trust that we all
love you very much.

Raise your weeping eyes
and look to us,
listening and receiving
our crucial words of
blessed affirmation.

As I gently
cup your face,
close your eyes
and lean in,
trusting each one's hand
covers mine
as we
. . . . . all . . . . .
send love and healing
to those deepest,
aching scars.

You're ok, Little One.

And this wave of grief?
It will pass.
Just like all of the others have.

I promise.

All my love,
Debbie Grace
who is still trustin' in Mama Grace, Auntie Mercy, Enough, and now Hope

.           *           .

Standing in the Light of Truth

This month's practice in Hand to Heart of intentionally setting down tired, old stories that no longer serve us has been and continues to be meaningful and timely for me.

Today I need to set down the story that the way I was as a child and teen (and beyond), both with myself and the world around me, was shameful and that I "should" be deeply ashamed . . . still (and forever).

The wise words I need to hear, tenderly whispered into my heart, are "You did the very best you possibly could, dear girl. Quite remarkably well in fact, given the limited, sometimes primitive (and at times non-existent) tools, skills, knowledge, and support you had at the time. I'm so proud of you for making more self-nurturing choices and responses today. I honor how you are learning to see, hear, and love the little girl of your past and so touched by how you are gently taking her hand, inviting her to walk with you and finding a way of thriving . . . together."

(tears)

.               *              .

Mandala Discovery - Lesson 3 - Chaos

This one didn't turn out like I first thought it might. The pink center is meant to represent my precious heart. I made that circle small intentionally but after drawing it it seemed too small (and easily overwhelmed) so I drew the slightly larger circle around it and colored it a soothing, calming blue. I like the idea of my practices (journaling, prayer and meditation) as being a protective cushion around me. (I'm resisting the temptation here to feel that I'm doing this one wrong because the buffer feels comforting to me)

I've been on a journey lately to reclaim things from my past.  Stories that always felt negative and shameful to me I want to frame in a more redemptive light. Doing my mandala in the way that feels most right to me feels like a continuation of that process.

When I first started drawing them, I didn't intend the brown to look like petals but they do and I really like that.

Rather than my feeling overtaken and absorbed by the chaos around me, I see this mandala as a powerful reminder that I can stand still in the midst of it (as best I can in any given moment) and beauty can - and will! - flow both to me and out from me.

(In later re-reading Lesson 4 on Balance, I smiled to realize I wasn't as "off-track" as I originally thought when I made this one.... just a lesson ahead.)

.           *           .

Feeling the Love ... Now

This morning I was having a difficult time.

Some old feelings were triggered

in a place where I don't always feel safe.

So I did what I'm learning to do

to take very good care of myself.

I took some time apart,

I closed my eyes,

and placed my hand over my heart,

gently reminding myself

I am not alone in this.

I am not alone in this.

I am not alone in this.

And I allowed myself the gift of my tears.

This afternoon I took a much needed nap

and talked to a dear friend

who can hear me

and love me.

And after more tears

I am feeling it again...

I am not alone.

I'm so grateful.

.            *             .

Angel Sunday ~ One Day at a Time

I pulled this little dear out recently so she could gently remind me to take things one day at a time.  She's been with me a long while, dating back to when I was going to Al-Anon on a regular basis.

After my Moma died 17 years ago, I no longer wanted my relationship with her to be defined by her alcoholism so I stopped attending meetings.  Well, that, and the program just didn't fit well for me anymore and I knew I needed a fresh perspective.

I truly do understand and appreciate why they need a "singularity of purpose," focusing only on their literature and principles.  Having too many sources, sometimes very conflicting ones, would simply cloud and confuse things for members, especially newcomers, who often so desperately need those safe spaces and unwavering guidelines.

I remain grateful for my time in those rooms, my very dear sponsors, and for all I learned there which I still carry with me.

In time, what I found to be true for me is that I needed more and the freedom to explore the many other wonderful avenues where Grace and my heart were leading me.  Smiling softly because it felt really right for me to follow my heart seven years ago by leaving (the) home (of Al-Anon) at 18 years  "old" (of being a member), something I never really did (yet) with my childhood home.

And, now, as we are planning a visit to see my family in Texas next month and the feelings and anxiety are beginning to arise?  This sweet angel's company and wise reminder are most welcome company.

She is quietly reminding me to practice Grace, Mercy, Enough, and Hope.

.           *           .

I'm Okay

"What if being okay really did just mean- I am a human being doing the best I can with what is arising right now, and I will continue. And that truly is, okay."
~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Feeling deeply grateful for the timeliness of Oriah's wise reminder this morning.  I'm having some feelings ~ revisiting an old pattern ~ and wanting to, as best I can, to be with it in a different way.  And, yes, to trust that I am okay even as I'm feeling and experiencing this... again.

This picture was taken in a calmer, more settled place than I'm feeling right now.

Just wanting to pair it with this post to remind myself.

Yes, I am okay.

.       *       .

Oh, if These Walls Could Talk

Oh, if these walls could talk

They would softly explain

How they once were erected

To ease her heart’s pain

“Keep the hurt out!”

She sobbed and she cried

And the walls did enfold her

Safe-keeping inside

Honored to offer what

Shelter they might

A deep fondness grew

For her beautiful light

And over the years,

As they steadily stood

Her healing began

And it was so, so good

Safe in their shadow

She came to realize

Walling off hearts will,

In time, paralyze

Learning and practicing

New skills they both knew

The time was now nearing

To bid fond adieu

And when that time came

She tenderly whispered

Heartfelt thanks

To her caring shepherds

Faithful guardian,

Beloved intercessory

She would never forget

Her kind emissary

~ Debbie Grace

.       *       .