Armfuls of Time

Rediscovered this book today.

And, 

man-oh-man,

was it exactly perfect timing.

Blessed be.

.          *           .

Savouring January 2018 - Day 20 - Grateful

Today (January 20) is the feast day of St. Sebastian, a special patron of mine. He's
the namesake of my beloved bear, given to me by my Moma on the occasion of my
sweet 16th birthday. Knowing she would be moving away soon, Moma wanted me
to have a friend to help keep me company thru the remaining difficult, long, and
lonely days of chemo. Smiling softly as neither one of us had any idea what a good
and faithful friend he would become (and has remained).

When looking for a name for my brand new bear buddy, I was trying on the usual
options like "Teddy." A friend who was visiting me in the hospital playfully
challenged me into being more creative.

At the time I was getting 2 iv's during every single chemo. The first was for the
life-saving medications and the other was for saline to help keep my body hydrated
while also helping to flush the dangerous drugs out of my system so that they didn't
stay too long and begin to damage healthy cells and tissues. Blood work was another

constant, monitoring my white blood cell count and other things.

These were the days before "ports" and so every single time an iv was put in or 

blood was drawn, there was at least one new needle. My veins were already fragile 

in the beginning and, over time, they had gotten pretty bad with all of the sticks 

plus the potent medications flowing thru them. It was getting rarer and rarer for it 

to take just one try.

When I learned about St. Sebastian's story and how he was once tied to a tree, shot 

full of arrows.. and *lived!,* I knew I'd found a name for my new bedside buddy. It 

comforted me knowing St. Sebastian had made it thru all of his arrow punctures and 

his story was a deep encouragement for me to hold on to Hope. Maybe, just maybe 

I would survive too.

. . . . .

Long after I was in remission, I kept Sebastian close. He continued to sleep with me 

every night, quietly catching my stories and dreams along with my laughter, fears 

and tears. Smiling playfully because, as stuffed animals often do, he became a 

member of our family, even going on mountain trips with us.

A friend once commented to me in passing that once I found a husband, Sebastian 

would have to be put up. Without missing a beat I retorted with a snort (this was 

serious business after all!) that "if my husband didn't understand about Sebastian, 

then he wasn't the man for me!"

Grinning now because I have family photos with him included and there *may* even 

be a picture or two of family members other than me napping with him. Yes, my 

sweet bear was/is a very special and comfortable sidekick.

Smiling softly as Sebastian no longer sleeps with me but that isn't because my dear 

Tadd doesn't understand. No, it's because my cherished companion was starting to 

get worn including some pretty big rips under his arms and I didn't want him to fall 

completely apart.

These days? My beloved friend rests in his place of honor on my closet shelf. When 

the door is open, as it often is, I can see him still watching over me as he has for 

(almost) 40 years.

Ah, yes....I am deeply, profoundly grateful for my soft, brown guardian angel. 

(And lookie what color is bandana is!)

Blessed be.

#SavouringJanuary2018

.           *           .

Today is the Day!

Today is the day! 

 I am now officially a 40-year cancer survivor/thriver.

It's been a lovely quiet, puttering-type day 

started off with daily mass 

and a visit with Mother Mary. 

I have no doubt 

she's watched over me every step of the way 

and I wanted to thank her in person. 

Blessed be. 

💕🕯🎉

Smiling big as Auntie Joy looked in on me 

with some wise counsel on this special day via today's mail. 

Blessed be. 

❤️❤️

.            *            .

Remembrance - Day 17 of 40

So I had 4 babies I wanted to remember - 2 little girls and 2 little boys (daddy's big brother 

and my sister's sweet little one). I really loved the idea of putting them together.

And So loving that these special angel boys are paired with Dr Periman, my cancer dr.

I wasn't too sure about the word "consume" and almost put it back but I thought, no, it's the
word that chose me.  Just sit with it and see what comes.

Then I saw them all grinning at me... I felt AWFUL Monday night and all day yesterday,
throwing up twice, 8 hours apart. Yuck. I'm pretty sure it was the very acidic spaghetti
sauce I'd made with wine in it.

So between them and Archangel Ariel, I saw them wisely reminding me to use care in
what I watch, read, eat, and take in.

Yes.

As an aside, Tadd said "you can't hold your liquor, can you?" 😉 It's not the first time I've
gotten that sick after eating something with wine in it. The last time was after we ate out
to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in FL.

.        *              .

Remembrance - Day 11 of 40

Smiling that these two showed up together. Lalor will often say that her name rhymes 

with "Taylor."

.   .   .   .   .

I met Dennis in college thru a graduate research study he was doing on folks with 

Raynaud's Syndrome.  He wanted to see if this phenomenon, nicknamed the "patriot's 

disease" because our extremities turn red, white, and blue, might have a stress related 

component and, if so, could the symptoms be curbed with the use of biofeedback.  Turns 

out the answer to both is yes.  

He was a kind soul who I always knew cared about me as a person.  I was not just a 

means to an end for him.  It was a sad day several years ago when I tried to reconnect 

with him and discovered he had already passed before I could say thank you (again).

.    .    .    .    .

Lalor is the dear woman who led the book group that I faithfully participated in for as 

long as she did them.  She is a spiritual director and I always appreciated her willingness

to let us wrestle.  Her womb of an office was a safe place to bravely struggle through 

the books we read together and/or whatever was on our hearts.  

She also had a deep fondness for me, even as I struggled with the other members in

our group.  She loved me even when I found it hard to love.  And that meant the 

world to me.

.     .     .     .     .

The other interesting thing about these two and the word Restore arriving on the same day?  

I was tired and seeing the three together brought a very warm smile.  

Yes.  

I believed that both of them would want me to restore by resting.  I could catch up here 

on another day.  

(Which is just what I did.)

Blessed be.

.           *          .

Remembrance - Day 9 of 40

Today I shall be remembering Moma's daddy, a man with a true gift for music that I wish 

I had known better. I do so find Joy in singing, as did Moma, so it warms my heart 

knowing that he had a part in that Gift passed down thru her. 

.   .   .   .   .

I've long wished that I remembered this very dear woman's name. I didn't get her often 

during the 3 long, lonely months spent in the hospital here, 3 weeks after Tadd and I 

married, and just 8 short months after we'd moved to a whole new-to-me land, far away 

from all my family and friends.

But the days when I did? 

Her kind presence *deeply* soothed my weary and broken spirit. Unlike the usual tech 

who roughly bustled about in a very business-as-usual fashion (it must be quite the 

uncomfortably vulnerable task to be asked to wash patients' bodies day in and day out), 

this precious, elderly angel patiently hummed hymns as she gently bathed my body. I 

didn't realize it until just now... unlike most of the doctors who came into my room 

every day (it was a teaching hospital and I was a very rare case so there were a lot!), it 

felt like she had all of the time in the world for me with not a drop of desire to be 

anywhere else but there with me. I simply can't put into words what a true gift that was 

during one of the most excruciating and lonely times in my life.

See there? Remembering her tender loving care this morning still brings tears filled 

with profound gratitude.

There's not a doubt in my mind that she was "God with Skin" for me during that 

agonizing time, a softly sweet spirit sent to help shore up the bereft child inside my 

heart who felt so very lost, broken and alone.

Ah, yes. 

Grace indeed. 💙

(Smiling softly as I chose my mug 

before I drew this morning's names)

.   .   .   .   .

Adding a postscript... I'm only sharing all of my photos and stories here on my blog.  

My main concern is it would feel like too much pressure plus I don't want to lose my 

focus by getting too caught up in the "performance" of my intentional remembrance 

pilgrimage, if that makes sense.

Still, she adds with a soft smile, some stories feel like they are meant to be named and 

honored in a special way. Like this one. 

And I'm so glad I did!  The comments I received helped to deepen my gratitude for this

very kind woman and our time together so long ago.  One friend reminded me that she 

would have wanted to help ease my spirit and it was a blessing to her to try to do just 

that by softly humming while gently washing.  

Another friend's comment reminded me that Touch is one of my love languages and

what better way to love on a water baby than warm soapy water and hymns?   

True balm for the Body, Soul, Heart, and Spirit.

Blessed be.

.          *          .

Remembrance - Day 5 of 40

Mary Ann was a very dear soul,

a greeter at the quiet little church

that I like to slip off to on a Saturday evening.

Whenever she saw me, she always lit up

and had the biggest hug,

ready and waiting.

If hubby was with me, she hugged him, too.

If he wasn't, she asked about him.

She always called me her angel which touched my heart.

But what she didn't realize?

She was more of an angel to me than I could ever be to her.

She passed unexpectedly in her sleep the day after Christmas.

I just "happened" to be at mass that next Saturday. 

So while it knocked me in the heart to hear of her passing,

I was so grateful to be able to attend her funeral.

It didn't surprise me a bit that she was so very loved.

.   .   .   .   .

Sandy was one of my very first nurses.

She was always so kind and supportive of me

and she was the best "sticker" I knew.

She could always get the needle in for my next iv

which with my veins?

Was no simple task.

One of the medications I received,

adriamycin, was a devil of a drug.

You could only receive so much of it 

before it would start to do damage to your heart

and it had to be *exactly* in your vein or it would tear up

the tissue it came in contact with.

Knowing this Sandy always started her search for good vein

with rubber gloves on.

But if she couldn't get the vein just right, she often removed 

the glove so she would be sure to get it.

How do I know this?

Because her hands were covered in red splotches

where the medicine had dripped out on her skin and burned it.

There was something about knowing that about her,

that she wanted to get it right that bad?

I felt like she was truly in the battle for my life

with me.

At first, I was upset with my doctor 

for taking her away to be his nurse

at the new cancer center he'd helped build.

But when he said it was *because* she was such a good stick

and shouldn't that be where she belonged?

I understood.

Yes, of course, he was right.

(But I didn't hafta like it :) )

.   .   .   .   .

Listen is exactly perfect.

I felt heard, seen, cared for,

 and loved by both of them.

Blessed be.

.            *            .

Today's Self-Care Treats

Had a colonoscopy this morning and all is well. 

Reading from my book 

and drinking from my sweet new sunflower mug 

this afternoon was my treat. 

💛      🌻      ❤️

.         *         .

Diagnosis: Diverticulitis

Hmmm... so doc thinks my lower abdominal pain 

over the last 36 hours might be diverticulitis...? 

So, *so* grateful there's medicine for that. 

🙏🏻

.           *              .

Wednesday Ordinary Moments

Love daffodils and a clear, blue sky.

All set for another 4 years. 

🙃

.            *           .

Waiting

Looking to use up the last of our Flexible Spending Account money 

before the end of the year finds us 

sitting in the waiting area 

for darlin' hubby's eye appointment this evening. 

🤓

While this photo doesn't show it 

(out of respect for their privacy 😉), 

it would seem lots (and lots!) of other folks 

are doing the very same thing. 

😎

.            *             .

So Much Better

It appears the corner has (finally) been turned 

.            *              .

Provisions

Still lurching along over here. Grateful for a kind doc-in-a-box (or Walgreens 😉) and a 

willing hubby to take me. Tuesday's Strep throat is better (yay!) and now looking for the 

bronchitis and the coughing (oh, the coughing!) to finally take their leave of this Advent 

journey. 😉

.            *          .

Abide in Gratitude

Taking a quiet, intentional moment in my doctor's office this morning 

to Abide in gratitude. 

💕

Once again my annual physical was just routine. 

Being an almost 39-year bone cancer survivor, 

it hasn't always been that way. 

Blessed be. 

❤️

Thankful Tuesday :: Heath

Taking an intentional moment during my annual physical 

to be grateful that these days? 

It's all routine. 

❤️

.             *           .

Where I Stand

"Where I stand. Admiring my new shoes before sitting down to lunch."
(These are the words I paired with my photo when sharing it on Instagram a week ago.)

This is actually a much bigger deal than it looks. Because of complications from bone cancer in my left hip 37 years ago, my left leg is 8" shorter than my right and my crutches are permanent. So when I stand, while my right foot sits flat on the floor, my left foot is up on my tippy toe. "The way I come" makes buying shoes tricky and something I *really* struggle with... My first thought at the prospect is "I *hate* buying shoes" and it's probably been 5 years since I last found some I liked and therefore kept. 

So. To find a new pair of shoes that I actually like and think they're going to work out because they aren't bending uncomfortably over my left toes (yay!), is a *very* big deal for me.

And this is the part where I say thru tears that it's not just about the shoes and trying to get some that fit right. It's also about the big grief in how my body is so different now . . . from what she used to be (and from what I would want). Having had 30+ surgeries on my left leg alone and with most of my femur removed, it's not the prettiest of legs ever. 

I became aware several years back that, feeling my body had betrayed me, I had basically moved out of "her," taking up residence in my head and heart. Coming back down into the full part of me has been something I've played with.... not an easy prospect to consider when you've been "gone" for more than 30 years and one that needs to be taken slowly, care-filled-ly and ever-so-tenderly. 

Tears well again as I add, my body could've given up on me a long time ago, having had several opportunities (she and I have been thru a lot together) but "she" never did, even when I moved out.

There was a time, she adds quietly, when, very briefly, I considered amputation. But in the end, just as I couldn't do it when my cancer was discovered ("If I'm dying in 6 months, I'm taking my leg with me!" I defiantly said at 15), I couldn't do it when I was fighting such a big infection 10 years later. (This was 3 weeks after we were married (almost) 27 years ago and I had been in the hospital for 3 months with another *huge* infection). 

I have loved Liz Lamoreux's mirror meditation so much.  I first learned about it in her original Water Your Soul e-course and it's been good to come back home to that practice thru selfies.  (Fyi - she isn't currently running that e-course right now but she also talks about mirror meditation in her book, Inner Excavation.)

While I did abandon my body, she has never abandoned me. Instead she has simply, quietly, faithfully been waiting for me to come "home" to her. It's moments like these that bring home for me that fact that I believe she continues to patiently wait for (and with) me.  And, as they usually are, not far away are Mama Grace and Auntie Mercy, Enough, Hope, and now Peace blessing, tending and loving this reunion back into to being as well.

Perhaps I'm ready to go a little deeper by "looking (back) with love" at my sweet leg who has been thru so much? 

Ah, yes. 

Perhaps indeed.... 

♥

(grateful for your witness)

.             *             .

Flourish

Wanted to take an intentional moment 

to celebrate and remember. 

My annual physical was today 

and it is such a blessing 

that these days? 

It's just routine. 

(Hasn't always been that way)

.                 *                 .

Happy # 26!

Twenty-six years ago today I married my darlin' Tadd. Smilng because I'd do it again in a *heartbeat*! I am so very grateful for and deeply blessed by his presence in my life.

Still strolling down memory lane over here...

Our plan all along was to marry on June 18 (and not 3 days after my birthday).

But.

Early that spring, some serious health issues with my leg were discovered and we knew a couple of major surgeries were on the horizon. In my heart of hearts, I really wanted and longed to be married to my Taddbert *before* walking thru all of that and my precious hubby graciously agreed (he was already in it with me "in sickness and in health.").

So, with not much more than a month's notice (if that?), we moved up our wedding to May 21, 1988. We had a lovely, very happy day surrounded by family and friends. Grinning because maybe you can see that in the photo above? It was taken by a dear family friend and I love both the joy and relief he was able to capture on our newlywed faces.

Three weeks after we were married, I was checked into the hospital. What we hoped would "simply" be a two-step "do-over" of the last surgery I'd had several years back (and was failing) turned into *many* surgeries due to a *huge* infection, 3 months in the hospital and, because most of my femur has now been removed, sealed the deal on my crutches being permanent. Having Tadd by my side through the whole ordeal was the very best medicine for my weary heart and body, hands down.

Of course, like all marriages, we certainly have our ups and downs. While I don't remember the wise, elderly man's name or face, I do remember him sitting by my hospital bed while we were in the midst of that horribly trying time and telling us that events like that early on in a marriage can strengthen the bond. And, gratefully, as I so hoped it might, that journey did strengthen ours. I'd like to quietly add that I am also deeply aware that things like that can also test a relationship past it's breaking point. Knowing this in my bones helps me to appreciate our union even more.

In honor of our 25th anniversary, the photo below was taken by my first baby sister last June at my second baby sister's wedding.

.          *          .

Sweet, Faithful Body

Sweet body

vacated long ago

in the midst of

surgeries, chemo, radiation

with harsh accusations

of betrayal.

Faithful companion

gently holding 

heart and soul

while quietly, 

patiently 

... 

waiting.

Soothing, strong strokes

coax calming, deep breaths

Soft music, kind presence

all healing cradle,

blessedly assuring.

And in the quiet

rises an achingly tender

I'm still here, Love.

I'm still here.

It is safe to come home.

(tears)

(Wanting to remember the lines from the face cradle, 

I took the picture above after a massage today)

.     *     .

Weary

Breathing in a moment of Grace

while recovering from pneumonia

Even a small case, takes time...

and I'm starting to feel weary from it.

This week I intend to take

extra gentle care of myself

by being with and allowing room

for the weariness,

all while tending to myself

by resting and trusting

that I am doing the best I can

in each moment.

Writing this out

actually brings tears this afternoon ....

during other

much, *much* bigger illnesses,

I wasn't able to attend and allow

like I want to tenderly practice this week.

 

Ah, she says with a soft smile,

an invitation to practice my word for the year, Hope. 

 

.     *     .