Savouring January 2018 - Day 20 - Grateful

Today (January 20) is the feast day of St. Sebastian, a special patron of mine. He's
the namesake of my beloved bear, given to me by my Moma on the occasion of my
sweet 16th birthday. Knowing she would be moving away soon, Moma wanted me
to have a friend to help keep me company thru the remaining difficult, long, and
lonely days of chemo. Smiling softly as neither one of us had any idea what a good
and faithful friend he would become (and has remained).

When looking for a name for my brand new bear buddy, I was trying on the usual
options like "Teddy." A friend who was visiting me in the hospital playfully
challenged me into being more creative.

At the time I was getting 2 iv's during every single chemo. The first was for the
life-saving medications and the other was for saline to help keep my body hydrated
while also helping to flush the dangerous drugs out of my system so that they didn't
stay too long and begin to damage healthy cells and tissues. Blood work was another

constant, monitoring my white blood cell count and other things.

These were the days before "ports" and so every single time an iv was put in or 

blood was drawn, there was at least one new needle. My veins were already fragile 

in the beginning and, over time, they had gotten pretty bad with all of the sticks 

plus the potent medications flowing thru them. It was getting rarer and rarer for it 

to take just one try.

When I learned about St. Sebastian's story and how he was once tied to a tree, shot 

full of arrows.. and *lived!,* I knew I'd found a name for my new bedside buddy. It 

comforted me knowing St. Sebastian had made it thru all of his arrow punctures and 

his story was a deep encouragement for me to hold on to Hope. Maybe, just maybe 

I would survive too.

. . . . .

Long after I was in remission, I kept Sebastian close. He continued to sleep with me 

every night, quietly catching my stories and dreams along with my laughter, fears 

and tears. Smiling playfully because, as stuffed animals often do, he became a 

member of our family, even going on mountain trips with us.

A friend once commented to me in passing that once I found a husband, Sebastian 

would have to be put up. Without missing a beat I retorted with a snort (this was 

serious business after all!) that "if my husband didn't understand about Sebastian, 

then he wasn't the man for me!"

Grinning now because I have family photos with him included and there *may* even 

be a picture or two of family members other than me napping with him. Yes, my 

sweet bear was/is a very special and comfortable sidekick.

Smiling softly as Sebastian no longer sleeps with me but that isn't because my dear 

Tadd doesn't understand. No, it's because my cherished companion was starting to 

get worn including some pretty big rips under his arms and I didn't want him to fall 

completely apart.

These days? My beloved friend rests in his place of honor on my closet shelf. When 

the door is open, as it often is, I can see him still watching over me as he has for 

(almost) 40 years.

Ah, yes....I am deeply, profoundly grateful for my soft, brown guardian angel. 

(And lookie what color is bandana is!)

Blessed be.

#SavouringJanuary2018

.           *           .

Catching Up with Good Friends

My favorite partner has been wanting to take me to lunch

since my last day at work.

We met at the old office

so I went over a little early to say hello

to some other good friends first.

My beautiful 4 Sisters

in their stark winter dress.

Without meaning to,

we wore the same color sweaters!

Along with a yummy lunch 

at F & B

(a French bistro), 

it was a Joy to catch up.

Blessed be.

.              *              .

Savouring January - Day 16 - Old

Me and my old, faithful friend, 

Puppy woof-woof.

#SavouringJanuary2018

.           *          .

Christmas Happy Mail

Today I received a thoughtful Gift 

from a dear friend

that couldn’t be more perfect! 

 From the label, 

the giggles from the styrofoam pillows 

(clever recycling!), 

to the wrapping papers - 

both silver and powder blue!

And the actual, 

deeply thoughtful Gifts themselves!! 

I’m smitten by the idea of 

“the holy mess of my beautiful life” 

and embracing it 

(as best I can in each moment)

 is where I will be sure to find 

Auntie Joy waiting for me. 

And while I’ve had my eye on it, 

no, I didn’t have the book! 

What a wonderful, 

Joy-filled surprise 

on the chilly, damp January day!

So grateful for my precious friend.

.              *              .

Hold on for the Miracles

It'd been awhile since I'd played with

my Soul Call Cards.

I didn't really have a question in mind

as I drew cards.

But as I did?

A warm smile spread.

It felt like the angels were confirming 

an experience from just yesterday.

I know, it can seem like

 a very tall Mountain at times.

But true Friendships are worth it

in the end.

Look carefully,

Weigh and Hold the tension,

Weaving (and remembering) the 

track record of good will

(when it's there)

leads to the 

Miracle of Restoration.

And Joy.

🌷  .  ✨  .  💖

.             *             .

Remembrance - Day 23 of 40

Peace is a Journey

Faithful prayers 

and wise guidance 

helps light the way.

.            *              .

Remembrance - Circles of Love

Continuing to bask in their love

and hold them close

as I draw more names.

.            *            .

Remembrance - Day 12 of 40

Once again, I find myself smiling fondly

at the 2 lovelies that showed up together. 

.      .      .     .      .

Nightie was a playful soul that I met in a shared online space.  We cared a great deal for 

one another and, even as busy as she was, when she noticed I went quiet she would send 

me a little love note to check on me and see how I was doing.  She was a quiet one and 

whether we noticed it or not, her strength held us.  "Den Guardian" was the perfect role 

and name for her.  She was (and still is) our Protectress.

She lived several states away and I had the very good fortune of seeing and hugging her 

in person several years in a row.  At my first of our group's annual gatherings and feeling

a bit nervous, we were invited to stand so our leader could go around the circle and bless

each one of us.  Sure, I could've reached down for Bert and Ernie for support.  Instead I 

asked Nightie if she would help me and she was right there for me to lean on (again).

Several years later at our group's annual gathering she hosted a Babylon 5 trivia contest.  

So that I could play with at least a little knowledge, hubby and I watched all the episodes

before our convention.  Grinning because it just might've delighted her more than it did 

me that I came in second place and won the little figurine leaning against my candle.

The last time I saw her was 6 years ago at our annual September "in the fur" gathering 

which I *almost* didn't attend.  I'm so glad I did because 2-1/2 weeks later she was gone. 

A year later I believe she did come to check on me in person.  I was sitting at the little

church that I so love to attend on a dark Saturday night.  When I turned around to offer

the sign of peace, a woman who's hair and build reminded me *eerily* of Nightie was 

standing behind me.  I was working up the courage to ask her after mass if we might 

could share a hug in honor of my friend but when I turned back around?  She had slipped

out.  While I was sad, somehow it felt right to be looked in on for a few brief moments.

And just like her . . .  she saw that I was fine and so she went on about her other rounds.

.      .     .     .     .

Margie was the play therapist at The Children's Hospital in Boston and just the breath 

of fresh air I needed during a difficult time.  We met her on my first short trip up for 

evaluation when Moma was with me.  I made the second trip up for 7-1/2 weeks of 

radiation by myself and spent most of my outpatient days on the oncology floor, waiting 

for the woman who had generously opened her home to me to finish her volunteer 

work and was ready to take me home with her for the night.  

Back home the hospital I stayed in didn't have a children's ward so this was a whole 

new world to me.  Along with Margie's steady weekday company, one of the most 

memorable lessons for me was, unless we weren't feeling well, we were expected 

to get up, get dressed and stroll down to the huge, bright playroom at the end of the 

hall.  This helped me to understand how influential the way we behave can very much

have an effect on how we feel.  We were kids with cancer, not cancer that had kids.  

The playroom was filled with all sorts of toys and one wall was lined with windows 

overlooking the city.  Margie often sat in one of the small chairs at the low-to-the-

ground tables, perfectly adjusted for kids.  

I remember she was the one who taught me how to say "Massachusetts" ("chew" not 

"too") and she had a big, ready smile.  She was a welcomed companion and anchor in 

the storm that I came to rely on.  

I wish I had her address or knew how to contact her and have tried several times but

to no avail.  Perhaps it's how it's meant to be.

.      .      .     .      .

When we die . . .

Failed attempts to stay connected to one another . . . 

Sometimes . . . ?

It's all a Mystery.

Still.

They were both very much about Seeking Joy.

and I loved them dearly.

Blessed be.

💙  .  🙏🏻  .  💙

.           *          .

Remembrance - Day 11 of 40

Smiling that these two showed up together. Lalor will often say that her name rhymes 

with "Taylor."

.   .   .   .   .

I met Dennis in college thru a graduate research study he was doing on folks with 

Raynaud's Syndrome.  He wanted to see if this phenomenon, nicknamed the "patriot's 

disease" because our extremities turn red, white, and blue, might have a stress related 

component and, if so, could the symptoms be curbed with the use of biofeedback.  Turns 

out the answer to both is yes.  

He was a kind soul who I always knew cared about me as a person.  I was not just a 

means to an end for him.  It was a sad day several years ago when I tried to reconnect 

with him and discovered he had already passed before I could say thank you (again).

.    .    .    .    .

Lalor is the dear woman who led the book group that I faithfully participated in for as 

long as she did them.  She is a spiritual director and I always appreciated her willingness

to let us wrestle.  Her womb of an office was a safe place to bravely struggle through 

the books we read together and/or whatever was on our hearts.  

She also had a deep fondness for me, even as I struggled with the other members in

our group.  She loved me even when I found it hard to love.  And that meant the 

world to me.

.     .     .     .     .

The other interesting thing about these two and the word Restore arriving on the same day?  

I was tired and seeing the three together brought a very warm smile.  

Yes.  

I believed that both of them would want me to restore by resting.  I could catch up here 

on another day.  

(Which is just what I did.)

Blessed be.

.           *          .

Remembrance - Day 10 of 40

Gathering the Love

Cody was a kind soul who left our world too soon.  The last time I saw him was at my

uncle's funeral.  I'd always held a deep fondness and it'd been decades since we last

saw one another.  I was surprised to find him in tears as he hugged me.  Did he love

my uncle that much?

No, 

she says softly and tenderly.

Turns out he was that glad to see me.  Not long after my cancer was diagnosed as a 

teen his family moved away and he thought I had died many years ago.  So to him?

My standing in front of him and hugging him was a miracle!  What a blessing and 

very good reminder for me.  My life is a gift.

.      .      .      .     .

I love that these two came together.  Linda was one of the many "mamas" I gathered

around myself as mine had left.  She was a beautiful woman filled with love and, 

whenever she could, she took time to be with me.  As did many of the mothers of

the sons in our 4-H club.

Blessed be.

.               *               .

Remembrance - Day 8 of 40

Granddaddy, she says with a twinkle,

was another of those crusty curmudgeons with a

marshmallow center that I dearly loved.

And he loved me, too.

I enjoyed teasing with him and being with him

and he is the one that gifted me with my special chair. 

.   .   .   .   .   .

Mommie Schrommie is a dear wise soul

that I am so grateful to still be in contact with.

She was the first *woman!* priest I ever met

and she challenged me in many (other) ways.

She supported and loved me thru

many a difficult day. 

It still touches me so that,

even when I wasn't one of her official flock,

she took me right in to the home of her heart

and loved me as her own.

And she still does.

Blessed be.

💛  . 🕯 .  💙

Remembrance - Day 6 of 40

Dr. Cannon was a wise psychology professor and I felt very blessed to be included under

his wing, a place usually reserved for divorced women starting their lives over and looking

to support themselves and their children.

He had so many gems of wisdom that he shared over and over in class (so we'd remember)

and, to this day I often quote him.  He also saved me (and others) a lot of heartbreak by

walking me out of my very last exam under him, put his arm around me and gently said

he didn't think I was cut out for the front lines.  It was very hard to hear this from him...

what else would I do with my life?  But what I also knew in my bones is that he deeply

cared for me and if this crusty curmudgeon was telling me this in such a tender way?

I needed to listen. 

And, in time, I came to know he was very right.    

When I was creating my list of 40's, I originally had planned to put him on a blue slip

of paper but then I got to wondering if perhaps he'd already passed.  In doing a bit of 

googling I found his obituary here.  Rest in Peace, Dr. Cannon!

.     .     .     .     .

Bill iss a kind soul who was very supportive of me not long after my parents divorced.

I'm not sure how we got connected really, other than being in the same parish.  He has 

a wonderful hearty laugh and helped me to reason things out a few times, even going to

bat for me once when I'd hit a car in a parking lot.  

I love that we've exchanged Christmas greetings all these years.  Although, she says with

a sad smile, his health has been deteriorating and he made a note in last year's card that

it may be the last one he sends.  I send him my love and prayers.

.     .     .     .     .

At first I felt confused when "Engage" came up with these two men but then I looked

it up in my guidebook.  "Engagement means making an active connection with 

someone or something.  Accepting the invitation."  Ah, yes.... I see it, angels.  Both of

these fellas kindly accepted the invitation to be gentle guides in my life.

Blessed be.

💜  .  💛  .  💜

.          *           .

SaveSave

Remembrance - Day 5 of 40

Mary Ann was a very dear soul,

a greeter at the quiet little church

that I like to slip off to on a Saturday evening.

Whenever she saw me, she always lit up

and had the biggest hug,

ready and waiting.

If hubby was with me, she hugged him, too.

If he wasn't, she asked about him.

She always called me her angel which touched my heart.

But what she didn't realize?

She was more of an angel to me than I could ever be to her.

She passed unexpectedly in her sleep the day after Christmas.

I just "happened" to be at mass that next Saturday. 

So while it knocked me in the heart to hear of her passing,

I was so grateful to be able to attend her funeral.

It didn't surprise me a bit that she was so very loved.

.   .   .   .   .

Sandy was one of my very first nurses.

She was always so kind and supportive of me

and she was the best "sticker" I knew.

She could always get the needle in for my next iv

which with my veins?

Was no simple task.

One of the medications I received,

adriamycin, was a devil of a drug.

You could only receive so much of it 

before it would start to do damage to your heart

and it had to be *exactly* in your vein or it would tear up

the tissue it came in contact with.

Knowing this Sandy always started her search for good vein

with rubber gloves on.

But if she couldn't get the vein just right, she often removed 

the glove so she would be sure to get it.

How do I know this?

Because her hands were covered in red splotches

where the medicine had dripped out on her skin and burned it.

There was something about knowing that about her,

that she wanted to get it right that bad?

I felt like she was truly in the battle for my life

with me.

At first, I was upset with my doctor 

for taking her away to be his nurse

at the new cancer center he'd helped build.

But when he said it was *because* she was such a good stick

and shouldn't that be where she belonged?

I understood.

Yes, of course, he was right.

(But I didn't hafta like it :) )

.   .   .   .   .

Listen is exactly perfect.

I felt heard, seen, cared for,

 and loved by both of them.

Blessed be.

.            *            .

November Remembrance - Day 3 of 40

Annette and Susan are my husband's baby sister aunts

so it seemed right to include them together.

Annette was a month old when she died.

 Susan died in their dear mother's womb ten years later.

While we've never met,

I trust they both watch over both hubby and me

and I warmly welcome them 

into my circle of dearly beloveds

(where they belong).

.     .     .

Terri, a few years ahead of me in college, 

is a dear soul who played guitar and

who gave me a lot of the love I needed

when we in Newman club together.  

I am still so touched by one memory in particular.

After an emotional day at a weekend retreat,

we were sitting under the low-to-the-ground

wide wingspan of a sheltering tree, 

Terri's arm protectively, firmly wrapped around my weeping self.

She was a willing and wondrous container 

and in that moment I felt so tended, so held and so loved.

Looking up, I commented how it felt like 

we were under a protective mama bird's caring wing.

.     .     .

Ah, Mama Grace, 

you were already calling to me way back then,

weren't you?

So in a very real way, 

this trio is a Blessed Bridge to you

and all of my Auntie Angels.

Blessed be.

.          *          .

 

November Remembrance - Day 1 of 40

Gina Pender was a very devout soul

and friend of our family. 

She strongly believed in and 

talked often about the importance of prayer 

- hers, mine and others.

There was never any doubt in my mind

that she was constantly praying for me. 

She was my encourager to continue praying 

even while I was struggling with bone cancer

and grieving the end of my parents' marriage.

A true light of Hope at a time 

when things were really, *really* dark.

She also made it possible for me to have

some of the actual holy water from the 

Our Lady of Lourdes shrine in France.

(I later passed the remaining water

to my younger cousin, 

who eventually died from cancer.)

Cathy Smith is a dear friend and sister

who I have laughed with, cried with,

and shared hearts with for 

more than 12 years.

Both of these precious women have 

been vessels to and for me...

in different capacities.

The first, passed beyond the veil, 

a vessel of prayer.

The second, still gratefully here, 

a vessel of empathy.

Both cherished vessels of love.

Blessed be.

.          *          .

All Hallow's Eve

Fondly remembering their love. 

#AllHallowsEve

.         *          .

Fond Farewell, Fr. Ray

Rest In Peace, dear friend. 

Thank you for all of your love and support 

during a very brutal time in my life. 

I love you. 

❤️

Fr. Ray was originally from Vermont and was one of 3 priests that came from that diocese 

to serve in Amarillo where I was born and raised.

He was a priest in Perryton when I met him at a high school retreat.  A very kind soul who 

took an interest in me and we traded letters for many years. I still remember how nice it was 

to find a letter from him tucked up in my small college post office box that didn't see much 

mail. 

He was such a blessing in my life, supporting me in gentle ways at a time when not many 

folks knew how to, much less what to say. A true angel.

  💜

While I don't remember the words we shared, I do remember the deep solace and reassurance 

that I found in our relationship.

He'd been ill for a long while and Tadd and I tried to visit him while in town several years 

back but it didn't work out.

It was sad that he didn't remember me when we spoke on the phone but that's ok, she says 

thru tears, because I remember him and our friendship. And I was so touched that he was 

still his sweet self when we spoke, offering me a blessing. 

❤️

.          *          .

Running by for a Visit

Guess who I went to go see? 

Needed to drive around awhile 

so I could get our truck's emissions tested 

so I decided to go say hey. 

👋🏻  .  ❤️  .  🌳  .  🚒

.         *         .

Breathe September 2017 :: Day 12 - Fun

Fun 

... is finding a wonderful surprise tucked in our mailbox yesterday! 

 Such a heartwarming bright spot on a dark and chilly day. 

(Still no power)

#BreatheSeptember2017

.           *           .

August Break 2017 :: Day 10 Lavender

Joyful wee companion quietly steadies, 

encouraging and cheering me on 

from her special sideline spot 

on the warm wooden heart table 

right here next to my chair. 

💜

#augustbreak2017

.         *         .