There's something very healing for me about taking an almost daily, "everyday" type photo.
I'm finding that it gently affirms for me that it really is ok to show up in my own life, notice
the goodness and beauty that is there, and, when it feels right, to share my picture. To my
delight, this is becoming a welcomed, gentle practice encouraging and reminding me to name
my place and claim my (rightful) space on this beautiful earth of ours that we all (((share))).
I've invited my goddaughters to join me in revisiting some photo prompts from last year and yesterday's invitation was "Something in your hand." In response, I shared this photo with
the caption:
"Something in my hand (and in the background
are my crutches, things that are in my hands a lot)."
As I continued to sit with my Grace (<-- my fond nickname for my Higher Power) mug filled
with warm, soothing chai tea, I remembered something that I so loved in Brene Brown's Self-Compassion
course with Kristin Neff.
First, we did a review of the oldest part of our brain, our amygdala or reptilian brain, which,
when triggered, automatically throws us into Fight, Flight or Freeze mode. They talked about
how this part of our brain is the easiest to trigger and how it sees our self-criticism as a threat
to our self-concept. (!!!) While self-criticism is actually a misguided (and unhelpful) attempt to protect us - it wants us to do good but beats us up as a way to try to help - our brain sees our
self-criticism as an attack and tries to protect us from it(us) using Fight, Flee or Freeze!!
(wow.)
I'd never thought about how self-criticism could be one of my (old) brain's way of Fight-ing
what it sees as a problem - "You're doing that all wrong and people won't like you!! You better
shape up *now*!!" It's simply my reptilian brain, or what I've come to see as the voice of the
little girl who still lives inside my heart (so I want to use great care in how I refer to this part of
my brain because she's simply doing the best she can and wants to help me, too) trying to keep
me safe. Her methods aren't real effective, but still very well intentioned from her very young
stance.
Pausing here for a moment to place my hand over my heart, close my eyes, and take in a deep
breath. I want to honor for myself that this is very valuable and crucial info in my continued
healing of the expectations (both inner and outer) placed on my young girl self to caretake my
family at a very young (way too young) age.
They then talked about how we also have a Mammalian brain and, because mammal's babies
are born helpless and need their mother's care for for a very long time, this part of our brain's automatic responses are Tend and Befriend.
Yay!!!!! :)
I *love* this so much and find so much Hope in it.
I had a Psychology professor who used to say All. The. Time. "When the emotions are high,
the brain doesn't work." He'd always follow it with something like "we have to wait for our
emotions to come back down before we can access our brain again."
While it felt deeply wise at the time, I didn't fully understand what he was trying to convey. I
realize now that this fits in perfectly with what Brene and Kristin were talking about. When we
are being taken over by our emotions and/or lost in our storyline (so when our reptilian brain is
front and center), we *can't* access the wise part of our brain until we can find a little space
from the Fight, Flight or Freeze response.
Yes.
And
so I'm not broken.
Here's the wonderful news: Kristin said there are ways that we *can* access our Mammalian
system even when our sweet mind can't and/or isn't ready go there (and boy-oh-boy, do I know
this one!).
Yay!!!!
Three things that "trigger" our Tend and Befriend responses are:
1. Physical warmth
The example was given that a warm compress is more soothing than a cold one.
2. Gentle Touch
Kristin said not to underestimate the power of touch
3. Soothing Vocalization
She said "tone is everything!" and also that the *universal* vocalization,
meaning across cultures, for compassion is "awwww." (!!!)
So, if we are stuck in strong emotion and/or our head's storyline, doing one or all 3 of these
can help call our mammalian brain back online.
I'm sharing all of this, first because I love it *So. Much* (can ya tell?, she asks with a playful,
twinkly grin).
And also because, while I always knew that holding a warm beverage was soothing (and the
shape of the mug matters a lot for me!), after posting my photo yesterday morning, it occurred
to me that holding and drinking a warm cup of tea is really about Tending and Befriending
myself and practicing self-compassion thru warmth and gentle touch, all while taking exquisite
self-care.
So is putting my hand over my heart. As an aside, one of the exercises they had us do was to
close our eyes and spend some time trying out different comforting gestures to find what is
most soothing for us because the same one won't work for everyone.
And so is taking 5 (or more!) deep breaths!
Isn't all of this about trying to make a little space while also Tending and Befriending?
Yes.
Smiling softly, fondly, warmly, thinking of that story of the tribe that encircles members that
have lost their way and are acting out and the community bring them back home to themselves
by singing their song to them. So rather than ditch or throw away a part of themselves, they
love them back home.
Yes.
♥
. * .
