August's Self-Care Theme :: Be True

(Still so enjoying receiving my

monthly care packages)

.          *         .

Wrapping Myself in Self-Care

Seeing and feeling my way into the truth 

while wrapping myself in

 

roses, 

love, 

and faith. 

💕

.          *              .

Celtic Blessing for the Tuesdays in March

May it be so. 

❤️

Love this blessing that ends the prayer for Tuesdays in March. 

The Celtic Wheel of the Year

by Tess Ward, pg. 60

.          *         .

Gentle Reminder to Self

The back of my new mug says, 

"Offer whatever light you can."

Smiling warmly as I share that it's my Hope that this cute, quirky kitty 

will be good company for me and my word for 2017, 

Grounded,  

in the coming year (and beyond).

Grateful for some quiet time to write

this morning and listen well to my heart.

Grounding myself in the truth 

of where I am in this moment

by exploring and acknowledging 

what light I truly am able to offer right now

"for fun and for free"

(so with no expectations or obligations attached.)

Blessed be.

.          *            .

Today's Truth

Billing can be draining

.            *             .

Everyday Beauty :: Something in My Hand

There's something very healing for me about taking an almost daily, "everyday" type photo.

I'm finding that it gently affirms for me that it really is ok to show up in my own life, notice 

the goodness and beauty that is there, and, when it feels right, to share my picture. To my 

delight, this is becoming a welcomed, gentle practice encouraging and reminding me to name 

my place and claim my (rightful) space on this beautiful earth of ours that we all (((share))).

I've invited my goddaughters to join me in revisiting some photo prompts from last year and yesterday's invitation was "Something in your hand." In response, I shared this photo with 

the caption:

"Something in my hand (and in the background 

are my crutches, things that are in my hands a lot)."

As I continued to sit with my Grace (<-- my fond nickname for my Higher Power) mug filled 

with warm, soothing chai tea, I remembered something that I so loved in Brene Brown's Self-Compassion course with Kristin Neff.

First, we did a review of the oldest part of our brain, our amygdala or reptilian brain, which, 

when triggered, automatically throws us into Fight, Flight or Freeze mode. They talked about 

how this part of our brain is the easiest to trigger and how it sees our self-criticism as a threat 

to our self-concept. (!!!) While self-criticism is actually a misguided (and unhelpful) attempt to protect us - it wants us to do good but beats us up as a way to try to help - our brain sees our 

self-criticism as an attack and tries to protect us from it(us) using Fight, Flee or Freeze!!

(wow.) 

I'd never thought about how self-criticism could be one of my (old) brain's way of Fight-ing 

what it sees as a problem - "You're doing that all wrong and people won't like you!! You better 

shape up *now*!!" It's simply my reptilian brain, or what I've come to see as the voice of the 

little girl who still lives inside my heart (so I want to use great care in how I refer to this part of 

my brain because she's simply doing the best she can and wants to help me, too) trying to keep 

me safe. Her methods aren't real effective, but still very well intentioned from her very young 

stance.

Pausing here for a moment to place my hand over my heart, close my eyes, and take in a deep 

breath. I want to honor for myself that this is very valuable and crucial info in my continued 

healing of the expectations (both inner and outer) placed on my young girl self to caretake my 

family at a very young (way too young) age.

They then talked about how we also have a Mammalian brain and, because mammal's babies 

are born helpless and need their mother's care for for a very long time, this part of our brain's automatic responses are Tend and Befriend.

Yay!!!!! :)

I *love* this so much and find so much Hope in it.

I had a Psychology professor who used to say All. The. Time. "When the emotions are high, 

the brain doesn't work." He'd always follow it with something like "we have to wait for our 

emotions to come back down before we can access our brain again."

While it felt deeply wise at the time, I didn't fully understand what he was trying to convey. I 

realize now that this fits in perfectly with what Brene and Kristin were talking about. When we 

are being taken over by our emotions and/or lost in our storyline (so when our reptilian brain is 

front and center), we *can't* access the wise part of our brain until we can find a little space 

from the Fight, Flight or Freeze response.

Yes.

And

so I'm not broken.

Here's the wonderful news: Kristin said there are ways that we *can* access our Mammalian 

system even when our sweet mind can't and/or isn't ready go there (and boy-oh-boy, do I know 

this one!).

Yay!!!!

Three things that "trigger" our Tend and Befriend responses are:

1. Physical warmth

    The example was given that a warm compress is more soothing than a cold one.

2. Gentle Touch 

    Kristin said not to underestimate the power of touch 

3. Soothing Vocalization 

    She said "tone is everything!" and also that the *universal* vocalization, 

    meaning across cultures, for compassion is "awwww." (!!!)

So, if we are stuck in strong emotion and/or our head's storyline, doing one or all 3 of these 

can help call our mammalian brain back online.

I'm sharing all of this, first because I love it *So. Much* (can ya tell?, she asks with a playful, 

twinkly grin).

And also because, while I always knew that holding a warm beverage was soothing (and the 

shape of the mug matters a lot for me!), after posting my photo yesterday morning, it occurred 

to me that holding and drinking a warm cup of tea is really about Tending and Befriending 

myself and practicing self-compassion thru warmth and gentle touch, all while taking exquisite 

self-care.

So is putting my hand over my heart. As an aside, one of the exercises they had us do was to 

close our eyes and spend some time trying out different comforting gestures to find what is 

most soothing for us because the same one won't work for everyone.

And so is taking 5 (or more!) deep breaths!

Isn't all of this about trying to make a little space while also Tending and Befriending?

Yes.

Smiling softly, fondly, warmly, thinking of that story of the tribe that encircles members that 

have lost their way and are acting out and the community bring them back home to themselves 

by singing their song to them. So rather than ditch or throw away a part of themselves, they 

love them back home.

Yes. 

♥

.             *             .

April Love :: Day 16 :: Dear Legs

Dear Legs,

There've been a few times in my almost 54 years when there was talk of letting the left one 

of you go. 

The first time was when cancer was discovered in my 15-year old body and my "NO" was 

adamant. Smiling softly as my actual words to the orthopedist were "If I'm dying in 6 months, 

I'm taking my leg with me!" 

My new-to-me oncologist had said "the bone cancer you have is one that grows very fast and 

if we don't start you on chemo right away, you won't make it 6 months." While I know he 

never would have gone against my wishes, something I still deeply appreciate about him to 

this day, in hindsight, I don't believe he would've agreed to my NO "as easily" if he didn't 

think it wise.  Instead, I believe he knew that my fierce tenacity would be an important key 

in helping me to survive. ❤️

And the last time, 28 years ago, the raging infection was *so* bad, that third round of infection

since my cancer as a teen. I was 26, had been in the hospital for 3 months starting just 3 weeks 

after we got married, all a short 8 months after I had moved 21 hours away from my entire 

family and the only life I had known.  I was feeling so discouraged and depressed that I 

seriously considered letting go for a very short while. 

Hands down, the hardest time in my life. 

Thank God for the loving angels gathered around me, in particular my sweet husband and a few 

dear ministers. Their kind & willing presence, patient empathy, & wise words helped me know 

that, while things were certainly dire, they weren't life threatening and, at that point, it would 

have been a sacrifice I would deeply regret. . . forever. 

And sure enough, being home with my darlin' hubby and taking lots of soul soothing baths 

(I am a water baby for sure), in time the big, bad infection subsided. 

The only remnants are my left leg is about 8" shorter than my right and I have some pretty big 

battle scars on the outside of my left thigh. But then it was a pretty big battle. 

And between you and a little help from my crutch friends, Bert and Ernie? I get along just fine. 

I am so grateful to still have both of you, dear legs. 

So, *so* deeply grateful. 

Blessed be. 

❤️

#aprillove2016

Edited on 4/25/16 to add:

As I read back over my words this evening I wanted to clarify something that feels really important.

I was still on antibiotics when I went home and closely monitored because my infection was very, very serious. To give you an idea, my doctor at Emory (a big, well-known teaching hospital here in Atlanta), who traveled the world teaching doctors how to treat big time infections, said that mine was the second worst he'd ever seen.

So when they sent me home, I knew the deal was that if things took a turn for the worst, I would need to come right back into the hospital. I was just so deeply grateful and profoundly relieved for the doctors willingness to let me try to just be at *home* for a while.

Still, she says with a soft smile. . . there's not a doubt in my mind that the love of my dear hubby, being home, and the baths in my own tub helped to soothe and heal my broken spirit for sure. I believe *in my bones* that this is what helped me (finally) to turn the corner.

❤️

.             *            .

Cultivating Enough :: Day 9 :: Nourishment

Sitting next to a gently flickering flame 

(or two!) (or three!) 

fills me with the vitamin of Peace.

Allowing myself to rest when weary 

provides the mineral of Hope.

Journaling helps satisfy 

my hunger for connection.

And being in the company of angels 

reminds me that, even when it might feel like it 

(and, boy-oh-boy, sometimes it so feels like it!), 

I am not ever eating alone.

And when all of these are lovingly,  

care-filled-ly stirred together?

A tried and true recipe 

for this heart and soul's deep needs 

for nourishment indeed. 

#cultivatingenough

.             *            .

Cultivating Enough :: Day 8 :: Boundaries

Years ago a wise one, who knew and loved me well, made the keen observation that my eye 

for detail is so well tuned that I notice details without even realizing it. She said that the 

things I notice are just "there" for me (so it's not something I'm seeking out) and that most 

of the folks around me simply don't see what I see. (And so they are able to let them go, 

sometimes a whole heckuva a lot easier than I am).

I've noticed lately that, once again, I've been tempted to pull off my path and get stuck in the

ditch ruminating about what I'm noticing that could be improved, especially at work. Smiling 

softly because with my wiring and conditioning, this one may be a lifelong journey for me so 

even that becomes a practice. Can I be gentle with myself when noticing this old pattern 

coming up in me again?

I am growing quite fond of this mug and it's quirky little angel playfully reminding me to 

"Water Seeds, Pull Weeds" and so I'm asking her to be my guide and teacher in the next 

little while.

I want to focus on what is going well and water those seeds rather than getting stuck in the 

weeds, *especially* those I can do nothing about, simply don't have the time, energy, or 

patience for, and/or are not mine to tend to.

It dawned on me this morning (so I had a spiritual awakening) that it really comes down to intentionally practicing my word for the year, Abide. By making a conscious choice (again 

and again if need be) about *where* I want my attention, dear heart and beautiful soul to 

Abide, and then honoring my choice, I am setting and holding internal boundaries.

Of course, there are times when weeding needs to be done. I just want to use care and be 

mindful of when I might be stuck in a ditch, overgrown with weeds. So a playful example 

would be, "Whoops! That's a weed, Deb, not a seed!" 

With the help of my Gardening Angel, Mama Grace, Auntie Mercy, Hope and Peace, may I 

become a good winnower, one who is learning the art of separating the seeds from the weeds.

#cultivatingenough

.              *             .

Seeing Double

A few weeks ago 

I discovered that 

Little Sister 

(also fondly known as Miss Pretty)

 is actually twins! 

 I've been driving past her for 11-1/2 years 

and I just recently looked at her base. 

❤️❤️

.            *           .

Honoring My Ancestors

I'm taking Sacred Seasons: A Yearlong Journey Through the Celtic Wheel of the Year and, for whatever reasons, I've only managed to work my way thru every other season so far....  Perhaps next year I'll work thru the ones I'm not getting too this time around. I *love* the idea of staying with this process and circling back year after year (after year). Being both a cradle Catholic and a farmer's daughter, without my fully realizing it until recent years, the rhythm of the seasons calls to me *deeply*... like from my bone marrow. So, she says with a soft smile, I shall continue to show up when and how I am able, all while practicing trusting that it is Enough.

I *loved* our Samhain materials!!!! The Communion of Saints has always been an important concept to me and this season's reflections in particular have felt timely and so on point for me.  I'm also taking Honoring the Saints and Ancestors which expands further on November being a month of remembrance

Last week I made this photo collage for my altar space. Please allow me to introduce you to some of my ancestors... :)  Clockwise from the top left: Moma, Grandma D (Daddy's mom), Grandma P (hubby's grandmother who called me her own), and Grandma M (Moma's mom). So much about this gathering of spirits and the way they are circled speaks to me. Even tho we had some really *hard* differences and deep pain in our relationship, Moma was the biggest and best influence on me and the same clockwise direction is the order of the depth of closeness I feel for each woman. 

Once I had the photo printed, it was interesting to me to notice how Grandma M's photo is the fuzziest and that is really fitting.  It wasn't a conscious choice at all,  it was just because I enlarged it the most. As a teen and into my twenties (and later), because she couldn't be for me like my other Grandma, I kinda discarded her.  That feels harsh and sad to say but it's the truth.

I love my little altar space with my photo, candle and sweet angel with the words on her dress reminding me "Angels are sent from above to ease our Sorrows, strengthen our Faith, and lighten our Hearts."  Each carefully chosen item reminds me the women in my family are all right here, still with me and loving me, some in ways that they never could while we were both on this side. (We can't give what we've never received)

My sense is this is the year for me to gently open to welcoming Grandma M back into my heart and practice gathering up and appreciating what she *was* able to give me. For instance, right after we discovered I had bone cancer in my left hip, 38 years ago next month, they kept me pretty drugged up on morphine and it was horrible. It was *this* Grandma, an LVN nurse, someone I didn't think ever really saw or knew me, who took one look at me in the hospital bed and said, "she shouldn't be acting like that." It was then that they backed off the medication and the awful drug trips stopped.

She was my advocate.

In recently looking thru an old, cheerful, multi-colored cookie tin of my Grandma D's that I keep especially cherished mementos in, I was surprised to find a letter from Grandma M. While it did surprise me she'd written a two page birthday letter to me (we lived in the same city), I was more struck by the fact that I had actually saved her letter. As I read her words, tears rose.... she was reaching out to me in love and offering her support.  What was even more amazing to me was she had written it before our family fell apart when my parents' divorced and my cancer was discovered 7 months later.  In my heart of hearts, I have no doubt that she was probably one of my most faithful pray-ers thru that very difficult time. Indeed, she so freely gave to me from what she had available to give.

As an aside, that seems to be my growing edge right now.... looking for and accepting the love that is there in what is being offered to me, even if in imperfect ways.  This is turning out to be a healing and achingly beautiful process.  We are all human after all and so anything any of us offers will be imperfect to some degree.

So I know that Grandma M is the one in particular that I am meant to walk this month of remembrance with. I also learned recently that St. Martin de Porres ministered to those on the fringes. I was sitting in daily Mass at the time and was moved to tears because I've often felt like I was on the fringes and I wonder if Grandma didn't feel that way, too.  So... she says with a twinkle, unlikely threesome that we are, we are journeying together this November. 

On Sunday I made this collage in honor of Grandma M. A special thanks to my new friend, Bev, for her gracious permission to use her beautiful photo on the top left of Mary quietly, faithfully watching over the candles and the intentions they were lit with. 

I don't have many photos of Grandma so I plan to do some asking... later. The one in my piece was taken the day of Grandpa's funeral and she is surrounded by grandchildren (I am in the peach colored dress). It warms my heart to see her feeling content in that moment with all of us (and all of her children outside of lens range) gathered around her. We are in the backyard and her big vegetable garden is behind us. She loved growing flowers, too, and I remember as a young child being so "b-o-r-e-d" as we walked all around her house so she could show Moma and us kids with great delight all of the different flowers she was growing in her *many* beds.

(How I wish I could walk with her today and really listen to and celebrate what made her heart sing).

So it feels time, with Mary watching and praying, and "Spirit between" us to "Gather Beyond Time" in Hope (my word for 2014) and Peace (this year's word) with me "warming up," practicing "mercy" (2013's word), and "softness at home" (in my heart).

The owl speaks to me of another wise one, awake and ever-watchful, even and most especially in the darkest of times. 

The beautiful trees in the lower right are some very special friends that, over the last 7 years, I have taken to see as my Guardian Angels. These 4 lovelies live on a little island in the middle of the small side street on my way to work and I've named them after the archangels. Michael is featured and you can see a part of Gabriel.  Even tho Raphael and Uriel aren't shown, I know they are there, still watching over us, too.

.            *             .

A Daddy's Love

In the arms of my Daddy.

Saying good-bye at the airport, he's holding me as I cry

while patting me and speaking the soothing words

he knows to say.

While it sometimes feels like he's trying to stop me 

because I'm "too big" once again

(and there is probably a piece of that in there

as my emotions are much deeper than 

he knows how to care for and tend),

this morning I realize 

that it may just be 

that he's trying to help get me buttoned back up 

so that I can leave him

and head home.

(tears)

.            *            .

My Daddy flies in this afternoon for a visit with his girlfriend, Brenda.  While hubby and I usually fly back annually, this is his first trip over in 12 years.  He turns 75 in December, so part of me is very aware that this may be his last trip here.  

In preparation, I've been quite busy over the last few months physically getting ready by cleaning, tidying, and letting go of things and our house feels so good.  Last night in our writing group without fully realizing it, I was emotionally and spiritually preparing by writing the piece below.  Our prompt was:  "From memory or imagination, write about a fragment."  As I read it to our group, I was surprised by the tears that arose... well, perhaps not really.  Tweaking it just a bit, tears arise again this morning.

.            *             .

With a flourish she adds the final swirls of the billowy chocolate frosting on the rich, Devils food cake and steps back for a moment to admire her work.  She loves to bake and these last touches are her favorite part. 

Smoothing a stray strand out of her eyes, she thinks to herself, “maybe a fragment is enough.”  She’s made the last 20 of her father’s 75 birthday cakes and, deep down, she knows that he does love her.  Maybe it’s not to the depth she’d like and perhaps it isn’t to the extent that he loves her other siblings (or is it a simple matter of “able to show?”), but he’s always hugged her warmly when they greet after being apart.

Absent mindedly licking the sweet icing off of the side of her hand, she remembers the day in the airport many years ago, one of the few times she’s ever seen her father cry, and it was as he was saying, “I really want to get out to see you again, sis.”  Remembering that “sis” is his fond name for his girls, she smiles softly and, in the moment, she knows in her heart that, in his own, imperfect way, he does love her.

Can that fragment be enough?  Gathering the measuring cups and spoons into the now empty white, glass mixing bowl, she reminds herself that this might be the last time he ever comes this way.  Can she let what slice of love she has glimpsed over the years, be Enough?

She sure hopes so and she knows that only time shall tell.

.             *             .

Grateful for your witness.

Your warm thoughts, love and prayers 

over the next 5 days would be most welcome.

.            *             .

Remembering :: All is Well

The last couple days back at work, yesterday especially, were *rough.*  Our house is still a disaster from not fully being unpacked and I'm too weary to do anything about it right now. 

Carving out time this afternoon to reclaim the space on the table next to me, nourish myself with candlelight and take in 5 Deep Breaths (for a start). It is so good to be the company of a beloved angel and, with the help of a beautiful song, to remember that All is Well. 

❤️

.             *             .

Witness

Witnessing and breathing 

through a rough spot at work. 

.             *              .

Breathing thru the "Triggered" . . .

. . . and wanting, 

trying 

to remember 

to trust.

.          *          .

Watering My Soul and Basking in Enough

I said what I needed to say 

and set a boundary 

with the intention of choosing Love 

this morning. 

It wasn't perfect by any means 

but I did it!! 

Basking in Enoughness, 

I took this photo afterwards. 

(And look! No more churning belly! )

Then, 

after running a couple of errands,

I took the scenic route on my way home 

just so I could pause by this small, nearby pond. 

Ahhhhh . . . rest (and water) for my soul. 

 ❤

Everyday Beauty :: Water

Catching some of today's happy tears.

.            *            .

Setting My Intention for May

I've always loved that my birthday is in May (I'll be 53 on the 18th). Alongside the joy, pockets of tenderness also tend to be tucked in this month. I know this is simply the sweet little girl who lives inside my heart longing for a little bit more of the reassurance, healing, and love that she didn't get enough of when she was small. I want to be present, as best I can in each moment, to both her and the adult me as we continue to find our special way of partnering in this dance of life together. ♥

I intend to gift myself with good self-care this month by staying close to the photo prompts. Not only do I enjoy how this exercise helps me to connect with myself and my world in a gently curious way, I *love* the focus of looking for beauty in the everyday! Plus shared photo "treasure hunts" are such a delightful way to connect with others, too. :)

I'll also continue to practice, she adds with a soft smile, being just fine if there are a lot of selfies sprinkled in. Perhaps I'll stretch a bit by nudging myself to find beauty in the aching grief that may arise. Over the years I've come to really appreciate how photographing myself is a powerful way for me to truly see myself *and!* a very nourishing way to water my soul. (Hmmm... noticing, joining, and participating in my own life feeds me, imagine that! ;) )

(A warm hug and a big thank you to Liz Lamoreux for her affirming example. She is one of my very favorite pioneers!)

.            *             .

Wordless Wednesday ~ A Quiet Reminder

.           *            .

The Truth on My Face

Work has been hard for a good, long while now. It surprises me to see how the "hard" is *so* evident on my face in the top left photo. I took it this morning before starting my car to drive to work. Looking at that one this evening brings tears. This feels really important and holy ... it's me *deeply,* tenderly witnessing me. ♥

(hasn't always been that way)

The top right and bottom left were my taking a breath and a moment to eat during my lunch break.

I did smile for the bottom right-hand photo - I was on my way home! - and I've been trying to tell myself that it doesn't count. But it does ... and there was something so soothing for me to see myself smiling softy, too. Kind of like a reassurance that I am right here with me amidst the hard, even when I sometimes forget.

.           *           .