Everyday Beauty :: Compassion

I was awake in the wee hours this morning, struggling. A gremlin in my head kept telling 

me, in a very convincing tone (as gremlins do), that something I had shared was way too 

much. (a very old voice, this one). 

Not being able to sleep, I got up, pulled out my journal and, as I've been learning in a 

course I'm taking, I practiced giving myself the soothing gift of self-compassion. I opened 

to a blank page and, just as a loving Mama would tenderly gather her fearful child close, I

began to write. I was able to gently reassure both myself and that very old part of my 

brain, who is just trying to keep me safe in the only way she knows how, that while it 

may not have been received as I'd hoped, it really was ok.

And after writing a few pages while practicing deep, calming breaths?  I felt so, *so* 

much better.

Blessed be. 

❤️

#everydaybeauty

.              *                 .

Focusing on the Beauty

.              *                .

Permission

I give myself permission...

...to be right where I am. 

                      Today it's tired, still a little tender, and yet playful (<-- which 

                      whispers to me of Hope). 

...and to take extra good care of myself.

                       I'm having a bowl of warm, comforting noodle soup and 

                       saltines for supper.  

While my body may not be sick, my heart is mending and convalescing (an old wave 

of grief rolled in this morning and, gratefully, seems to have washed over me rather 

quickly.)

.              *                .

Being Seen :: Tears

I took this photo this morning before I got up to get in the shower. I had just written a note to

myself of all of my fears and then, as invited in our Being Seen e-course, I folded it up so that

all of my fears were tucked inside.  As Brene Brown has taught me to do, I then wrote a 

permission slip on a blue post-it note, taped it to the top of my fears and held it to my heart 

along with a sweet little red heart that was close by.

When I was in daily mass a short while later, a ritual that comforts, blesses, and soothes me, 

and on my way to communion, I accidentally tripped and fell back onto the chair behind me. 

I am permanently on crutches and pretty solid on them so it was startling for me, and three 

women from three different directions rushed to me to see if I was ok.

While grateful for their concern to be sure, I felt embarrassed and also annoyed and frustrated 

with myself. One kind-hearted woman sensed my discomfort and warmly shrugged it off with 

a "it just happens sometimes" which was such a gift.

Returning from communion and sitting in my seat, I was surprised to have tears well. I reminded myself that this was a safe space and there was at least 10 minutes before mass was over so 

it was ok to let them fall. (hmmm.... tears well as I type). I think if I had been alone, I might've 

sobbed (we are headed to Texas for a short visit with my family later this week and work has 

been so tough for four months now with a new supervisor.  The transition simply isn't going
well for me). 

I had planned some errands after mass but was still pretty shaken up so I came on home and 

laid down. Afterwards, I looked at this picture and was surprised to see that in reality? 

The tears were already right there . . .

. . . here.

.              *               .

April Love :: Day 16 :: Dear Legs

Dear Legs,

There've been a few times in my almost 54 years when there was talk of letting the left one 

of you go. 

The first time was when cancer was discovered in my 15-year old body and my "NO" was 

adamant. Smiling softly as my actual words to the orthopedist were "If I'm dying in 6 months, 

I'm taking my leg with me!" 

My new-to-me oncologist had said "the bone cancer you have is one that grows very fast and 

if we don't start you on chemo right away, you won't make it 6 months." While I know he 

never would have gone against my wishes, something I still deeply appreciate about him to 

this day, in hindsight, I don't believe he would've agreed to my NO "as easily" if he didn't 

think it wise.  Instead, I believe he knew that my fierce tenacity would be an important key 

in helping me to survive. ❤️

And the last time, 28 years ago, the raging infection was *so* bad, that third round of infection

since my cancer as a teen. I was 26, had been in the hospital for 3 months starting just 3 weeks 

after we got married, all a short 8 months after I had moved 21 hours away from my entire 

family and the only life I had known.  I was feeling so discouraged and depressed that I 

seriously considered letting go for a very short while. 

Hands down, the hardest time in my life. 

Thank God for the loving angels gathered around me, in particular my sweet husband and a few 

dear ministers. Their kind & willing presence, patient empathy, & wise words helped me know 

that, while things were certainly dire, they weren't life threatening and, at that point, it would 

have been a sacrifice I would deeply regret. . . forever. 

And sure enough, being home with my darlin' hubby and taking lots of soul soothing baths 

(I am a water baby for sure), in time the big, bad infection subsided. 

The only remnants are my left leg is about 8" shorter than my right and I have some pretty big 

battle scars on the outside of my left thigh. But then it was a pretty big battle. 

And between you and a little help from my crutch friends, Bert and Ernie? I get along just fine. 

I am so grateful to still have both of you, dear legs. 

So, *so* deeply grateful. 

Blessed be. 

❤️

#aprillove2016

Edited on 4/25/16 to add:

As I read back over my words this evening I wanted to clarify something that feels really important.

I was still on antibiotics when I went home and closely monitored because my infection was very, very serious. To give you an idea, my doctor at Emory (a big, well-known teaching hospital here in Atlanta), who traveled the world teaching doctors how to treat big time infections, said that mine was the second worst he'd ever seen.

So when they sent me home, I knew the deal was that if things took a turn for the worst, I would need to come right back into the hospital. I was just so deeply grateful and profoundly relieved for the doctors willingness to let me try to just be at *home* for a while.

Still, she says with a soft smile. . . there's not a doubt in my mind that the love of my dear hubby, being home, and the baths in my own tub helped to soothe and heal my broken spirit for sure. I believe *in my bones* that this is what helped me (finally) to turn the corner.

❤️

.             *            .

April Love :: Day 15 :: Dear Shadow

Dear Shadow,

We're dancing a lot these days, you and I, aren't we?

When reaching for my hand and pulling me to my feet, I can't help but notice that rather than the welcomed waltzes of my childhood with the soothing 1-2-3, 1-2-3 melodies, inviting whirls and twirls across the polished hardwood floor, and sweeping elegance, this music is foreign to me.

I'm not nearly as sure of myself or comfortable with the push/pull rhythm and staccato movements this new genre seems to require. 

While deeply painful at times, and sometimes I fear it's merely a hustle in disguise, when I get quiet and listen, I know in my heart of hearts that these dance lessons are important, too.

And so, as best I can, I stay with it.... I stay with you, a very real part of me with something crucial to teach me, both about myself and about life.

Some days the reality is that I'm just not up to your invitations to tango, preferring familiarity and comfort and I know that's ok. 

You are a wise, and fair teacher, willing to sit with me on the side for a while, offering me a cup of refreshing strawberry punch in a clear, crystal-cut glass while I catch my breath, patiently waiting until I am ready and willing to try 'er again, knowing that in truth? 

This is part of the dance of life as well.

While not always easy to be sure, I am grateful for your faithful partnering.

Blessed be.

❤️

#aprillove2016

#timetotellit

.             *            .

Abiding in Grace

I've been walking thru a pretty tough ol' time for awhile now.  Along with some old grief 

surfacing in an unexpected and fiercer way than usual, I have a new supervisor who's trying 

to force (and hotwire) a closeness between us.  Smiling softly because this is actually a pretty interesting turn of events.  Usually it's been me who's longing and, yes, pushing for more 

closeness.  

While I know in my heart of hearts she means well (just as I always did) and I do have hope 

that, in time, we will find our way to a good working relationship, the reality of right now is 

I'm finding it all smothering, frustrating and extremely draining.  Plus I've been triggered a 

lot lately which has just added to the painful difficulty of it all.  This is so not how I want to 

show up. 

Still, I'm quite clear that my resources are very limited right now and that my hands are full 

tending to my own weary and grieving heart.  In a way it's a gift that I'm so spent, making it 

easier for me to truly understand and accept that, messy and imperfect as it all is, I just don't 

have any room on my plate to take care of her, too.  So, as best I can in each moment, I gently 

remind myself that it's ok to let all of that go for right now. 

What I also know is I took care of my Moma in an unhealthy way and this is an opportunity 

to practice saying some important and firm "no's" that I wasn't able to when I was younger.  

This is a skill I want and need in my life and the only way I'm going to learn it is to practice.    

Today I wanted to continue feeling calm and supported after yesterday's lovely dental visit.  

It was *amazing* to me how much time spent in the presence of a kind angel in human form 

helped to shift things for me. 

This evening, I spent some quiet time in meditation, being still and Abiding in Grace.  

(Abide is my word for this year and Grace is my fond nickname for my higher power.)  

It warms my heart so much to see my face so relaxed.  

Ah, so maybe all of this really will pass, too. 

And, maybe, just maybe it already is.

May it be so.

.            *            .

Friday

Went to Stone Mountain today

and the sun was bright.

I'm grateful for the few photos I have

of Daddy and me

so I'll be trying to get a few more.

Feeling some frustration

by all of the indecision

and "whatever you want to do,"

I lagged behind.

Looked up

and saw the sun.

Driving across the covered bridge

Reminding myself to breathe.

Went to bed before everyone else

and now I'm taking a moment

to breathe

to be

and

to remember.

One day down.

.            *            .

Remembering :: All is Well

The last couple days back at work, yesterday especially, were *rough.*  Our house is still a disaster from not fully being unpacked and I'm too weary to do anything about it right now. 

Carving out time this afternoon to reclaim the space on the table next to me, nourish myself with candlelight and take in 5 Deep Breaths (for a start). It is so good to be the company of a beloved angel and, with the help of a beautiful song, to remember that All is Well. 

❤️

.             *             .

Witness

Witnessing and breathing 

through a rough spot at work. 

.             *              .