I've been walking thru a pretty tough ol' time for awhile now. Along with some old grief
surfacing in an unexpected and fiercer way than usual, I have a new supervisor who's trying
to force (and hotwire) a closeness between us. Smiling softly because this is actually a pretty interesting turn of events. Usually it's been me who's longing and, yes, pushing for more
closeness.
While I know in my heart of hearts she means well (just as I always did) and I do have hope
that, in time, we will find our way to a good working relationship, the reality of right now is
I'm finding it all smothering, frustrating and extremely draining. Plus I've been triggered a
lot lately which has just added to the painful difficulty of it all. This is so not how I want to
show up.
Still, I'm quite clear that my resources are very limited right now and that my hands are full
tending to my own weary and grieving heart. In a way it's a gift that I'm so spent, making it
easier for me to truly understand and accept that, messy and imperfect as it all is, I just don't
have any room on my plate to take care of her, too. So, as best I can in each moment, I gently
remind myself that it's ok to let all of that go for right now.
What I also know is I took care of my Moma in an unhealthy way and this is an opportunity
to practice saying some important and firm "no's" that I wasn't able to when I was younger.
This is a skill I want and need in my life and the only way I'm going to learn it is to practice.
Today I wanted to continue feeling calm and supported after yesterday's lovely dental visit.
It was *amazing* to me how much time spent in the presence of a kind angel in human form
helped to shift things for me.
This evening, I spent some quiet time in meditation, being still and Abiding in Grace.
(Abide is my word for this year and Grace is my fond nickname for my higher power.)
It warms my heart so much to see my face so relaxed.
Ah, so maybe all of this really will pass, too.
And, maybe, just maybe it already is.
May it be so.
. * .
