"It's not always easy to access gratitude when I'm running out of steam, but I'm learning I can (almost) always access kindness. I sense it as a powerful energy flowing out from my core, intricately tied to the light within. It feels centered, grounded, whole, even when I don't. It helps take me there when I'm stumbling off course."
~ Your Daily Shine #8 by
Alana Sheeren (quote used with her kind permission)
For me, I have to be *very careful* with gratitude because, as with humor, at times it has been used on me as a silencer, especially in my younger days. While it was really painful at the time, I can sort of understand. I was going thru a lot and it was my sense that others simply couldn't deal with the depths of what I was feeling. Still, this is a big and very old theme (and place of shame) in my life.
All that to say - and to honor - that sometimes *that* may be part of why I'm feeling petulant. I may be feeling angry/hurt/shame that another may be trying to push me into where I'm not at. . . yet . . . because of their own discomfort (and inabilities). And, yes, she adds softly, sometimes I find it is *me* that is trying to push me past where I am.
While I do see and know how beautifully helpful gratitude can be, again, I've just found that I need to use great care with it.
. * .
I'm not quite sure why I so love and (((resonate))) with the quoted words. I think a big part of it is the acknowledgment of the *truth* that "it's not always easy to access gratitude."
But.
And.
A baby step might be kindness. So it isn't all black and white - all or nothing - there is gray in there, too. If I can't, for whatever reasons on that particular day, make it to gratitude, perhaps I can stretch into trying a little kindness. This feels very, *very* hope-filled to me.
It's interesting to me that I've never really given much thought to the differences between gratitude and kindness before but they are there. As with any of our value words, each one has her own flavor and gifts . . . and each one is important and valuable.
Alana mentioned a moment of standing in front of her snack shelf and that got me to thinking. We keep our breakfast cereal on top of the fridge so reaching for the day's choice takes intention and a bit of reach. Being a very visual person, I'm picturing myself standing in front of my fridge, selecting my "values" and pondering which "practice" to choose in any given situation. Smiling because I *really* like the idea that kindness can be Enough and that it's just fine to reach for "her" if that's where I find myself and feels most right.
Ahhh, and perhaps acknowledging that, for whatever reasons, I just can't reach for gratitude today and quietly giving myself permission to grab on to kindness, trusting that is Enough, is the most caring and loving thing I can do for myself in this moment.
Yes.
. * .
Author note: I originally wrote this post last September during my first time through Alana's lovely e-course and then just never hit publish. She'd mentioned that for a new round of Shine she sometimes changes the order of daily posts, sprinkling in new ones here and there. I had so hoped this one on Kindness would show up again in my inbox and it brought a very warm smile this morning, on our 14th day, to find it patiently waiting for me. It feels right to publish this now.
Oh, and if you haven't taken Alana's e-course
Shine yet, I would highly recommend it.
