Enough is Enough

Smiling softly as I need to quietly park this one here and spill a few words that I can't 

share in other places. 

❤️

I'm feeling hurt and have been for a while now, struggling with a sister who has all but 

cut me (and others) off because she feels slighted by what another sister did.

I want to be supportive because I understand needing space... 

But this not communicating (with most of us) and ignoring texts while happily sharing 

away laughs about her day over on Snapchat is getting old...

After some thought, I reached out via text this afternoon to confirm what I knew (she 

and her husband will be out of town while we're there next week), but hasn't bothered 

to let me know.

Her response?  Two words:  "yes, ma'am."

My emotions are all over the place and I wondered about trying to reach out again.... 

yes, knowing it probably wasn't a good idea, but wondering all the same.

And then I was reminded of this little card and I sighed a big "yes." The magnet under 

my hand was also tucked in my TOTM box and it says 

"May you know you are worthy."

I can't make my sister reach back.
I can't make want to have a relationship with me.
I can't do her healing work for her.

(All hustling, Deb)

I can let go (as best I can in each moment). 

I can trust that Enough (my word for 2013) is enough, 

and that I am worthy of love and belonging even 

when one of my sisters has distanced herself from me. 

I can remember my newest teachers, 

beautiful sunflowers 

who keep their faces turned towards Mama Grace. 

And, as best I can in each moment,

follow their lead.

❤️  .    🌻  .    ❤️  .    🌻  .    ❤️

.         *         .

(Grateful for your witness)

Savoring January Day 20 :: Listen

Taking time to intentionally listen to wisdom 

(both external and internal) 

this morning 

while practicing Peace 

and Grounding myself in the presence of angels. 

💕

"I can't feel your feelings for you. I can't think for you. I can't behave for you. I can't work 

through the disappointment that limits bring for you. In short, I can't grow for you; only 

you can."

"Boundaries" 

by Cloud & Townsend, pg 86

#SavouringJanuary2017

.          *            .

April Love :: Day 5 :: Dear Intuition

Dear Intuition,

Thank you for being there when I quietly checked in this afternoon. I felt you calmly 

whispering back to me, "Not yet, dear girl. We will address this uncomfortable imbalance at 

work one day. For now, just rest in the practice and Simple Beauty of Being right Here, in this moment. The time, the wisdom, and the words will come soon enough, my child.  Promise."

Smiling softly because an acronym for intuition's synonym, gut, is:

G-od (or Grace)

U-sing

T-elepathy. 

Yes. 

And amen.

#aprillove2016 

.           *          .

This Little Light of Mine

Finding my light 

and feeling really pleased with this photo. 

Ya know that dear girl 

who is relaxed and at peace 

when not struggling with boundary setting challenges? 

Yeah, she's still in here. 

❤

.              *              .

Looking with Love

Grinning because I am loving this new-to-me angle of 

"arms length from above" for self-portraits!

Looking at myself with love this afternoon was such a well-timed gift for me. 

Today found me setting more uncomfy boundaries in another arena in my life. 

The bottom line for me is I want to show up for myself, 

continuing to build trust with the little girl who still lives inside my heart. 

So I did it, all while deep breathing my way thru 

and gently reminding myself that I am being very Brave. 

Yes, at times it's a little rough around the edges. 

The reality is this is still fairly new behavior for me, after all. 

So then it becomes an invitation to practice trusting that for today? 

It is Enough. 

I am Enough. 

'Sides, she adds with a twinkle, 

I know I'll get better with practice. 

In this moment, I am deeply proud of myself 

for making space and room for me in my own life, too. 

Yes. 

.               *             .

Cultivating Enough :: Day 8 :: Boundaries

Years ago a wise one, who knew and loved me well, made the keen observation that my eye 

for detail is so well tuned that I notice details without even realizing it. She said that the 

things I notice are just "there" for me (so it's not something I'm seeking out) and that most 

of the folks around me simply don't see what I see. (And so they are able to let them go, 

sometimes a whole heckuva a lot easier than I am).

I've noticed lately that, once again, I've been tempted to pull off my path and get stuck in the

ditch ruminating about what I'm noticing that could be improved, especially at work. Smiling 

softly because with my wiring and conditioning, this one may be a lifelong journey for me so 

even that becomes a practice. Can I be gentle with myself when noticing this old pattern 

coming up in me again?

I am growing quite fond of this mug and it's quirky little angel playfully reminding me to 

"Water Seeds, Pull Weeds" and so I'm asking her to be my guide and teacher in the next 

little while.

I want to focus on what is going well and water those seeds rather than getting stuck in the 

weeds, *especially* those I can do nothing about, simply don't have the time, energy, or 

patience for, and/or are not mine to tend to.

It dawned on me this morning (so I had a spiritual awakening) that it really comes down to intentionally practicing my word for the year, Abide. By making a conscious choice (again 

and again if need be) about *where* I want my attention, dear heart and beautiful soul to 

Abide, and then honoring my choice, I am setting and holding internal boundaries.

Of course, there are times when weeding needs to be done. I just want to use care and be 

mindful of when I might be stuck in a ditch, overgrown with weeds. So a playful example 

would be, "Whoops! That's a weed, Deb, not a seed!" 

With the help of my Gardening Angel, Mama Grace, Auntie Mercy, Hope and Peace, may I 

become a good winnower, one who is learning the art of separating the seeds from the weeds.

#cultivatingenough

.              *             .

Today's Truth

It's been a long week.

This morning I felt tired and weary

and grief.

It's the first real day of practicing choosing

*where* I want to

Abide.

I'm so grateful for Liz Lamoreux's example

and gentle encouragement

to take selfies as a way of finding 

myself

in my day and in my life,

especially when I'm feeling a little lost

and lonely.

Remember to Abide with intention, dear heart. 

.     *     .

As I was creating the photo above,

I looked up and saw this . . .

So love how another circle of angels 

gather at eventide.

.           *             .

What Went Well - June and July 2015

My response to a friend's prompt

to gather photos of moments of 

What Went Well.

Clockwise from top left:

1.  When this little cutie was looking up and back at me from her pint-sized supper chair, it was such a delight (for both of us!) to get on the floor and scooch over next to her.  We had the best time playing, teasing and laughing.

2.  Taking the scenic route on purpose

3.  Remembering, honoring, and writing about when I was small.

4.  Continuing to softly read John O'Donahue's Blessing for a New Home to myself every day at work 

5.  Getting up to watch the glorious sunrises during our trip to St. Augustine, which felt like "church."   I was over the moon at this selfie

6.  A shadow shot with the unexpected gift of a natural heart over my own

7.  Quiet ritual to release my sister in kindness to Mama Ocean

8.  Sharing daily mass with elderly, dear-hearted souls

9.  Continuing to intentionally practice Pilgrimaging to Peace

.              *             .

Soothing

This afternoon I closed my office door 

so I could work in Peace and quiet 

(Dorothy, we aren't on vacation anymore). 

So grateful that as I did so, 

I remembered I could stop 

(just for a minute!), 

place my hand over my heart, 

close my eyes, 

and take in 5 Deep Breaths.  

Smiling softly because 

this is why we practice, yes?

Yes. ❤️

Note to self:  it was also helpful to listen to soft, soothing music that I have on my phone.

.              *              .

    

Watering My Soul and Basking in Enough

I said what I needed to say 

and set a boundary 

with the intention of choosing Love 

this morning. 

It wasn't perfect by any means 

but I did it!! 

Basking in Enoughness, 

I took this photo afterwards. 

(And look! No more churning belly! )

Then, 

after running a couple of errands,

I took the scenic route on my way home 

just so I could pause by this small, nearby pond. 

Ahhhhh . . . rest (and water) for my soul. 

 ❤

Thankful Tuesday

Today I am thankful for:

1.  Beautiful spring morning serenaded by birdsong.

2.  Quiet moments to write, listen and be.

3.  Soothing orderliness to sit in.

4.  Safe journeys for dear hubby.

5.  Wise, heart-touching, perfectly timed book, Storycatcher by Christina Baldwin.

6.  Playful day at work yesterday.

7.  Connecting to and with my dear heart in writing.

8.  Noah, deeply inspiring new contestant on Dancing With the Stars.

9.  Hope-filled sunshine filling the room and spilling on me.

10.  Soft brown leather chair.

11.  Finding the space between my breaths and the opportunity to choose love.

12.  Warm smiles Valentine's Day roses still bring.

13.  New Ferris Wheel mandala that speaks to me of healthy boundaries 

       (and the wonderful prospect of exploring this more later).

14.  Wind chime songs

15.  New-to-me blessing about peace:

       

May the peace of the tallest mountain 

and the peace of the smallest stone 

be your peace. 

May the stillness of the stars 

watch over you. 

May the everlasting music 

of the wave lull you to rest.

~ an ancient Celtic prayer

May it be so

And it is Enough.

Blessed be.

.             *            .

One Self care Move ~ Standing in My Light

So, as you may already know, I've been having a difficult time at work for a long while now. Thursday night, hoping I might find some insightful wisdom to hold on to, I picked up a book that has been helpful in the past and started flipping thru dog-eared pages. I stopped when I happened to find (or did they find me?) some starred and underlined words (ah, so they've spoken to me before).

This quote is one of those "lighthouse in the storm" types for me, gently providing a guiding light for a way to "be" with it all, including my deep disappointment at some uninstigated-by-me distance in a relationship I have long cherished. I typed it out yesterday morning and have been reading thru it over and over (and over), and each time I do, I get a little stronger in my sense of self (and worthiness) (and Enough-ness).

It brought a soft smile to realize this quote is all about practicing "Standing in My Light" for me .... it's a gentle example of *how* to stand right where I am (as best I can in each moment) rather than, as Brene Brown says, hustling for someone else's approval.

The words are from "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff at Work" by Richard Carlson and the title of this particular essay is "Accept the Fact that There's Almost Always Going to be Somebody Mad at You."

"And when you know it's inevitable, 

your gut reaction to the disappointment 

is going to be much more peaceful. 

…you'll maintain your bearings and remain 

compassionate. You'll understand that there's 

simply nothing you can do -- other than your best. 

You didn't intend for it to happen, and you did 

everything you knew …, yet it happened. 

And it will happen again. It's time to let it go. 

And in letting go, you will find peace.

(My word for this year is Peace and what a lovely new way to practice)

♥

I hesitate to say this too loudly so this is me whispering....

It seems my friend at work made a small movement back towards me yesterday. While a bit stunned (I just found the lighthouse-for-me quote above 2 days ago and was starting to settle in with it!), it was very nice to have the unexpected surprise of a couple of light-hearted moments with him again. And, for the first time in months, he actually met my gaze with a teensy bit of a genuine smile.

One *very* important self-care move for me is, as best I can, to stay in today (and under my skin) and try not get too caught up in what might or might not happen on Monday (and forever after).

Another act of self-care is to name it here.... to help me remember.

Blessed be.

.              *             .

What I want you to know

In this round of Love Notes, our second prompt was "What I want you to know."  As with last week, a short poem poured forth.  

What I want you to know

is you don't have to go.

It's ok to say no

and nourish your soul.

Hmm, were these words more for my recipient or for me?

Boundaries continue to be a big theme for me and I'm actually feeling grateful.  It's sinking in, deeper and deeper, that just because walls aren't all that effective, that doesn't mean I don't need boundaries.  More and more, I'm seeing ways in which I give too much and it's starting to feel possible to let go of taking care of and feeling responsible for others.

Had a lovely chat with a wise one yesterday and she asked me, on a couple of occasions, "who are you responsible for?"  We were talking about work and a co-worker who I used to be close with.  I've felt bad because of the distance I've placed between us, feeling it was (yet another) a wall.  But what my friend invited me to see is that maybe it's a boundary instead and a necessary one at that.  My co-worker can be a bully and she interrupts me often.  Aside from being annoying, it pokes me in that "you and your needs are way too big" place.  It feels like she's trying to control and silence me .... because she is.

My friend reminded me that not only is my co-worker in my life for a reason (at least in part to help me to learn to set boundaries), I'm also in her life for a reason.  My allowing her to bulldoze over me, in other words not practicing boundaries with her, doesn't serve either of us.

Yesterday afternoon, when she and I had to sit together to work thru an issue she was having, I was in a calm, peaceful place.  I was also "driving" (my hands were on my computer keyboard and mouse) and when she'd want me to look in one dropdown menu while I was searching through another, I would calmly say, "just a minute" and "hold on," as I finished looking in the place where I was.

She needed my help and I was able to do it on my terms and it was so good.  I think we both left the interaction feeling good about it which feels Hope-filled for me.

Grinning because I'm not even pretending that it will always go this well when we sit together from here on out.  But it was really nice that it went so well yesterday and it's a lovely addition to my boundary track record.

I didn't have to go 

in the direction 

(on my computer screen 

or in our relationship) 

that she wanted me to. 

I could listen 

to what was in my heart, 

say no to her 

and nourish my soul

by saying 

a much bigger yes to me.

(Just as it should be,

especially since we are both adults.)

I am grateful.

.         *         .

Thankful Tuesday

Today I am thankful for:

1.  Fall tradition of three happy pumpkins on our front steps

2.  Safe space to tell the truth

3.  Patient, trusting hubby

4.  Delightful shared surprise

5.  Gifted writing that will bless 

6.  Light-hearted new boss

7.  Healing medicine in the form of wise advice

8.  Remembering again what I had forgotten

9.  Baby nephew got to go home

10. Intense study in boundaries

.             *              .

Thankful Tuesday

Today I am thankful for:

1.  Crayon art delightfully reminding me of time with my girlies on Sunday.

2.  Silliness of little ones!  In the picture above, the girl at the top is baby sister with a bar over her so she won't fall out of bed.  The second girl is her and, at 3, she's a big girl who doesn't need a bar over her.  Next to her is, as requested, a bear with a shirt on.

3.  Deep satisfaction from both girls wanting to be and play with me.

4.  Making a point to celebrate a very dear 90-year-old's birthday.

5.  Side-stepping an odd melt-down with Grace.

6.  The bliss of quiet Tuesday mornings again.  (summer hours are now over)

7.  Surprising hubby by laying out his breakfast and lunch.

8.  Quietly standing in (and sharing) my gift of reading meaningfully aloud.

9.  Happy discovery that our new book group will fit very nicely in with where I'm at right now.

10.  Wonderful surprise of another promising bi-monthly fall gathering.

11.  Already sensing the freshness of new members in our mandala FB group.

12.  And loving that one of those voices is a friend.

13.  Spicy, autumn fall-themed oatmeal.

14.  Humming a new favorite, "Calm me, Lord," when I catch myself worrying. 

15.  Another piece of fridge art from Sunday's time with my girls.

.          *           .

Thankful Tuesday

Today I am thankful for:

1.  How very much I am enjoying creating mandalas!

2.  Making them has been a welcomed, unexpected and gentle reminder of 

     how guidance really does come . . . 

     (when allowed the time, room and space)

3.  That I can go back to bed and rest on a morning I was up way too early

4.  Awareness that I still have some boundary work to do with a co-worker.  

     (If I wasn't aware, all I would be feeling is frustration and Hope-less)

5.  A new realization of one of my "tells" that I need to set a boundary.

6.  The lovely anticipation of an upcoming hangout with a friend.

7.  Updating my phone this morning and it all went just fine.

8.  Cup corner has now turned into marker, colored pencils, and compass corner.  :)

9.  Delightful discovery of the singing sister duo, Lennon and Maisy 

10. The quiet of dawn.

.          *           .

Standing in the Light of Truth

This month's practice in Hand to Heart of intentionally setting down tired, old stories that no longer serve us has been and continues to be meaningful and timely for me.

Today I need to set down the story that the way I was as a child and teen (and beyond), both with myself and the world around me, was shameful and that I "should" be deeply ashamed . . . still (and forever).

The wise words I need to hear, tenderly whispered into my heart, are "You did the very best you possibly could, dear girl. Quite remarkably well in fact, given the limited, sometimes primitive (and at times non-existent) tools, skills, knowledge, and support you had at the time. I'm so proud of you for making more self-nurturing choices and responses today. I honor how you are learning to see, hear, and love the little girl of your past and so touched by how you are gently taking her hand, inviting her to walk with you and finding a way of thriving . . . together."

(tears)

.               *              .

Mandala Play - Reds and Black

Smiling because for this mandala I wanted to try doing some zentangle doodling in it and then on the third round (I started in the middle), I wondered what might happen if I only used reds and black. I'm way more drawn to blue than red which makes it even more fun to realize just how tickled I am with the way this one turned out.

.          *          .

Mandala Discovery - Lesson 3 - Chaos

This one didn't turn out like I first thought it might. The pink center is meant to represent my precious heart. I made that circle small intentionally but after drawing it it seemed too small (and easily overwhelmed) so I drew the slightly larger circle around it and colored it a soothing, calming blue. I like the idea of my practices (journaling, prayer and meditation) as being a protective cushion around me. (I'm resisting the temptation here to feel that I'm doing this one wrong because the buffer feels comforting to me)

I've been on a journey lately to reclaim things from my past.  Stories that always felt negative and shameful to me I want to frame in a more redemptive light. Doing my mandala in the way that feels most right to me feels like a continuation of that process.

When I first started drawing them, I didn't intend the brown to look like petals but they do and I really like that.

Rather than my feeling overtaken and absorbed by the chaos around me, I see this mandala as a powerful reminder that I can stand still in the midst of it (as best I can in any given moment) and beauty can - and will! - flow both to me and out from me.

(In later re-reading Lesson 4 on Balance, I smiled to realize I wasn't as "off-track" as I originally thought when I made this one.... just a lesson ahead.)

.           *           .

Life is like a camera . . . .

Saw this on Facebook 

and am very grateful for it's 

wise advice.

I think I shall keep it close 

both 

as our office moves from

tax season to billing season 

and

as we prepare for our visit

to see my family next month.

.          *          .