Enough is Enough

Smiling softly as I need to quietly park this one here and spill a few words that I can't 

share in other places. 

❤️

I'm feeling hurt and have been for a while now, struggling with a sister who has all but 

cut me (and others) off because she feels slighted by what another sister did.

I want to be supportive because I understand needing space... 

But this not communicating (with most of us) and ignoring texts while happily sharing 

away laughs about her day over on Snapchat is getting old...

After some thought, I reached out via text this afternoon to confirm what I knew (she 

and her husband will be out of town while we're there next week), but hasn't bothered 

to let me know.

Her response?  Two words:  "yes, ma'am."

My emotions are all over the place and I wondered about trying to reach out again.... 

yes, knowing it probably wasn't a good idea, but wondering all the same.

And then I was reminded of this little card and I sighed a big "yes." The magnet under 

my hand was also tucked in my TOTM box and it says 

"May you know you are worthy."

I can't make my sister reach back.
I can't make want to have a relationship with me.
I can't do her healing work for her.

(All hustling, Deb)

I can let go (as best I can in each moment). 

I can trust that Enough (my word for 2013) is enough, 

and that I am worthy of love and belonging even 

when one of my sisters has distanced herself from me. 

I can remember my newest teachers, 

beautiful sunflowers 

who keep their faces turned towards Mama Grace. 

And, as best I can in each moment,

follow their lead.

❤️  .    🌻  .    ❤️  .    🌻  .    ❤️

.         *         .

(Grateful for your witness)

One Self care Move ~ Standing in My Light

So, as you may already know, I've been having a difficult time at work for a long while now. Thursday night, hoping I might find some insightful wisdom to hold on to, I picked up a book that has been helpful in the past and started flipping thru dog-eared pages. I stopped when I happened to find (or did they find me?) some starred and underlined words (ah, so they've spoken to me before).

This quote is one of those "lighthouse in the storm" types for me, gently providing a guiding light for a way to "be" with it all, including my deep disappointment at some uninstigated-by-me distance in a relationship I have long cherished. I typed it out yesterday morning and have been reading thru it over and over (and over), and each time I do, I get a little stronger in my sense of self (and worthiness) (and Enough-ness).

It brought a soft smile to realize this quote is all about practicing "Standing in My Light" for me .... it's a gentle example of *how* to stand right where I am (as best I can in each moment) rather than, as Brene Brown says, hustling for someone else's approval.

The words are from "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff at Work" by Richard Carlson and the title of this particular essay is "Accept the Fact that There's Almost Always Going to be Somebody Mad at You."

"And when you know it's inevitable, 

your gut reaction to the disappointment 

is going to be much more peaceful. 

…you'll maintain your bearings and remain 

compassionate. You'll understand that there's 

simply nothing you can do -- other than your best. 

You didn't intend for it to happen, and you did 

everything you knew …, yet it happened. 

And it will happen again. It's time to let it go. 

And in letting go, you will find peace.

(My word for this year is Peace and what a lovely new way to practice)

♥

I hesitate to say this too loudly so this is me whispering....

It seems my friend at work made a small movement back towards me yesterday. While a bit stunned (I just found the lighthouse-for-me quote above 2 days ago and was starting to settle in with it!), it was very nice to have the unexpected surprise of a couple of light-hearted moments with him again. And, for the first time in months, he actually met my gaze with a teensy bit of a genuine smile.

One *very* important self-care move for me is, as best I can, to stay in today (and under my skin) and try not get too caught up in what might or might not happen on Monday (and forever after).

Another act of self-care is to name it here.... to help me remember.

Blessed be.

.              *             .

St Francis and the Sow

I needed this poem today and plan to keep it close in the next little while 

so thought I'd share it here, too.

Saint Francis and the Sow
By Galway Kinnell

The bud
stands for all things,
even for those things that don’t flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing;
as Saint Francis
put his hand on the creased forehead
of the sow, and told her in words and in touch
blessings of earth on the sow, and the sow
began remembering all down her thick length,
from the earthen snout all the way
through the fodder and slops to the spiritual curl of the tail,
from the hard spininess spiked out from the spine
down through the great broken heart
to the sheer blue milken dreaminess spurting and shuddering
from the fourteen teats into the fourteen mouths sucking and blowing beneath them:
the long, perfect loveliness of sow.

May we all be assured 

(and reassured and retaught if need be) 

of our beauty. 

May we gently lean 

into the flowering of self-blessing 

from our "creased forehead" 

all the way to the "spiritual curl of [our] tail" 

and into our "great broken heart" . . . 

.              *             .

Long Week

It was a long week, 

emotionally, 

for me. 

Yesterday afternoon 

there were tears. 

Just wanting to honor 

and witness the truth. 

My truth.

(your presence

is welcome, too)

.               *               .

Back at Home in my Heart

I realized earlier this week that I had been hustling for my worthiness, again!, without realizing it (again). Brene Brown's e-course on her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, started this week and between beginning to re-read her wise book (*highly* recommend this one!), and a conversation with a dear friend, I am feeling much more comfy in my own skin and back at home in my heart.

I especially resonated with this quote from page 23:
"When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access into our worthiness -- the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging. When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don't fit with who we think we're supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. Our sense of worthiness -- that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging -- lives inside of our story."

Yes. And, ahhhhh . . .

(This is me, trustin' that simply showin' up is Enough)

.     *     .