You'll find I'm a real laid back boss.
Are you making this harder than it has to be?
. . * . .
Do you see me?
Are you listening?
Do you hear me?
My 10-1/2 years of experience is significant.
My eye for detail is of value.
*Especially* in a CPA firm.
We are entrusted with folks' financial information.
We want to be professional, internally and externally.
In written communication?
I've got this down in spades.
I want to be someone folks enjoy working with.
("I think," says this very real introvert on crutches)
And a lot of days I am.
But, gracious!!
There are days when I really struggle with working with others,
especially in person.
Days like today.
When he first started, he took refuge in my office saying
"This is my safe space" and "Nobody can find me here."
As I started training him, I told him "I'm not going to offer a lot of opinions,
I'm going to let you form your own. You are certainly welcome
to ask me anything you want."
He was grateful.
Early on, he said to me "I'm sure you have a job here for as long as you want."
And underneath it all,
(I'm not even sure I can put it into words yet)
I feel like I've fallen off that pedestal a little bit
(part of me fears it's really "a lot")
and I'm uncertain what to do about that.
(Am I actually thinking I want back up there?)
(Who are you answering to, precious one?)
It's also like I'm not allowed to feel my very real and valid frustrations and anger.
He wants to move on to "it's over," all easy breezy.
(As if it were that simple)
And maybe it is .... for him.
(never has been for me)
It's like he's way too interested in it not being a "thang,"
that he doesn't listen to what would be helpful.
(and, yes, you just might have to pick thru the details a little bit)
(maybe that's what he thinks he's doing?)
What it feels like is happening is he shuts down instead.
Being so hyper-sensitive, I sense it
(and I so wouldn't want to impose
*or* be too big)
so I get all weird
and shut down.
Right now, I'm just too weary.
I've been working a couple 5-1/2 hour days a week
(at least)
and it's just too much.
Sure, the extra money has been nice.
But at what cost, honey?
Do we really need it that much?
No.
And I think my soul is longing for more.
For an intentional, meaning-filled life outside of work.
I miss writing my heart out on a regular basis.
Hmmmm.... guess it was starting to become very clear to me
that it was time to leave my online group two years ago now.
I still wanted to give it another month
just to be sure.
It was a big thing to consider leaving after all,
very painful and heartbreaking.
Still, it was the right decision for me.
It's been tough to cobble together a new community.
Something I long (and sometimes ache) for
- that connection I need
(and am wired for) -
in other places.
Part of it is me and the fact that I've given my all to work in the last 1-1/2 years.
Our new major software upgrade and "let's look at all of our procedures while we're at it"
has been pretty intense and all-consuming.
Unlike most folks in the office, it's literally touched
every. single. keystroke. I make.
Lots of my procedures have been reworked as well.
It's like I'm just now waking up from all of that and looking around.
And I want more.
I need more.
(So what that tells me is, even if my supervisor had never left back in July
- right as I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel
and starting to breathe easier -
I would still probably be feeling some of what I'm feeling right now.)
This is all good, my darlin'.
Hard.
But good.
So perhaps I'm not as "off" and out of step as I feel?
Maybe these feelings and nudges are important?
Could very well be.
Mama Grace, Auntie Mercy, Enough, Hope and now Peace, please be with me and guide me?
Blessed be.
P.S. - Where do you think the nudges are coming from?
Do you hear me?
My 10-1/2 years of experience is significant.
My eye for detail is of value.
*Especially* in a CPA firm.
We are entrusted with folks' financial information.
We want to be professional, internally and externally.
In written communication?
I've got this down in spades.
I want to be someone folks enjoy working with.
("I think," says this very real introvert on crutches)
And a lot of days I am.
But, gracious!!
There are days when I really struggle with working with others,
especially in person.
Days like today.
. . * . .
When he first started, he took refuge in my office saying
"This is my safe space" and "Nobody can find me here."
As I started training him, I told him "I'm not going to offer a lot of opinions,
I'm going to let you form your own. You are certainly welcome
to ask me anything you want."
He was grateful.
Early on, he said to me "I'm sure you have a job here for as long as you want."
And underneath it all,
(I'm not even sure I can put it into words yet)
I feel like I've fallen off that pedestal a little bit
(part of me fears it's really "a lot")
and I'm uncertain what to do about that.
(Am I actually thinking I want back up there?)
(Who are you answering to, precious one?)
It's also like I'm not allowed to feel my very real and valid frustrations and anger.
He wants to move on to "it's over," all easy breezy.
(As if it were that simple)
And maybe it is .... for him.
(never has been for me)
It's like he's way too interested in it not being a "thang,"
that he doesn't listen to what would be helpful.
(and, yes, you just might have to pick thru the details a little bit)
(maybe that's what he thinks he's doing?)
What it feels like is happening is he shuts down instead.
Being so hyper-sensitive, I sense it
(and I so wouldn't want to impose
*or* be too big)
so I get all weird
and shut down.
. . * . .
Right now, I'm just too weary.
I've been working a couple 5-1/2 hour days a week
(at least)
and it's just too much.
Sure, the extra money has been nice.
But at what cost, honey?
Do we really need it that much?
No.
And I think my soul is longing for more.
For an intentional, meaning-filled life outside of work.
I miss writing my heart out on a regular basis.
Hmmmm.... guess it was starting to become very clear to me
that it was time to leave my online group two years ago now.
I still wanted to give it another month
just to be sure.
It was a big thing to consider leaving after all,
very painful and heartbreaking.
Still, it was the right decision for me.
It's been tough to cobble together a new community.
Something I long (and sometimes ache) for
- that connection I need
(and am wired for) -
in other places.
Part of it is me and the fact that I've given my all to work in the last 1-1/2 years.
Our new major software upgrade and "let's look at all of our procedures while we're at it"
has been pretty intense and all-consuming.
Unlike most folks in the office, it's literally touched
every. single. keystroke. I make.
Lots of my procedures have been reworked as well.
It's like I'm just now waking up from all of that and looking around.
And I want more.
I need more.
(So what that tells me is, even if my supervisor had never left back in July
- right as I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel
and starting to breathe easier -
I would still probably be feeling some of what I'm feeling right now.)
This is all good, my darlin'.
Hard.
But good.
So perhaps I'm not as "off" and out of step as I feel?
Maybe these feelings and nudges are important?
Could very well be.
Mama Grace, Auntie Mercy, Enough, Hope and now Peace, please be with me and guide me?
Always, Baby.
P.S. - Where do you think the nudges are coming from?
. * .
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