Hubby's small church is putting together a new pictorial directory and a member, known for her photography skills, is taking all of the photos. We had our pictures taken on Sunday and it was a really odd, painful experience for me.
I started our very short session by telling her that I wear my glasses a little low on my nose because any closer makes me feel claustrophobic. My hope in sharing this important piece of personal information, just as I've learned to do when photographing myself, was that it would help her to be aware and to take it into account, making for a better picture. What happened instead was she got an odd, worried(?) look on her face and asked did I want to leave them on? I said yes, which brings a soft smile because they've come to feel like a part of me, something that for a while there I just wasn't sure was going to happen.
The truth is, I was already feeling a little off having just sat thru Sunday school with hubby. I was reminded, once again, of the reality of how I just don't resonate with the people there. While we've been around for 26 years, they still aren't my community or my tribe. They probably never will be and is why I don't attend regularly.
It really is true that what we are thinking and feeling is reflected on our faces. I've learned that taking a deep breath and thinking calm, joyful thoughts really does help make for more calm, joyful pictures. While I'm sure it's probably true for pretty much everyone, I just don't think I appreciated how *true* it is for me, especially in the last year of actively practicing taking selfies.
And that's not to say that it isn't ok to take photos of times when I'm less than calm and joyful. Smiling softly because I have lots of those, too. But this one is for a church directory.... and because I'm not a real regular there and hubby is, this *will* be a lot of folks first introduction to me.
As she was snapping pictures, I was trying to relax by taking my time to take some deep breaths but she kept rapid fire clicking. I noticed she often caught me either mid-breath or while I was breathing in ~ I look my most relaxed right after breathing out. Then she'd check the ones she'd just taken with a magnifying glass and when they weren't right, she'd start clicking quickly again. When I'd start to try to talk, to ask for some room to breathe, I felt shut down ~ maybe she felt rushed, maybe I did....
Seems the faster she went, the sadder and more disappointed I felt, which increased the internal pressure I was already feeling that I wanted us to be sure to have a good picture.
What's interesting is my sister-in-law has called us photogenic several times. I believe it's because we aren't afraid of the camera and we both willingly stand still and smile. I do know the church lady to be a kind woman and she did say that while she thought she'd got a good one or two, if we weren't happy, she would be glad to schedule another session until we got it right.
I knew we could go back after the church service and try again, but I was still feeling so weirded out and off that I was grateful we didn't. Seems the best way to proceed that day was to let it go and breathe.
I've read that when someone else takes our picture, we don't feel as in control. I don't know that I'd really experienced that (again) until this woman was trying to take our picture and I realized how truly painful it can be.
. * .
