Remembrance - Day 25 of 40

While our journey may feel heavy at times, 

we can trust that we are always supported.

.              *               .

Happy Mail

.          *             .

Table of Love

#remembrance

#trustngrace

.          *            .

Remembrance - Day 24 of 40

Gentle witnesses 

like steady runway lights 

on this misty gray, late autumn morning 

illuminate the way through the damp chill. 

Their soft twinkling 

encouraging me to stay close 

to the task at hand 

brings welcomed warmth and deep, contented sighs. 

A morning miracle of Peace? 

 Yes. 

Blessed be.

 

✨  .  🕯  .  💜

#trustngrace

.          *           .

Remembrance - Day 23 of 40

Peace is a Journey

Faithful prayers 

and wise guidance 

helps light the way.

.            *              .

Delightful Fall Morning

Yesterday's walk to the mailbox 

included delighting in the fact 

that we still have some pretty fall color. 

❤️   .   🍁   .   💛

.          *           .

Remembrance - Day 22 of 40

Remember who you are down in your bones. 

💙💙

.         *          .

Remembrance - Day 21 of 40

"We are always close."

Blessed be.

.            *             .

Angels Watching Over Me

For many years now my Fall angel, lovingly handcrafted with straw colored raffia and 

cheerful orange and yellow sunflowers, has been looking over our house from the red side 

of our front door. 

When I started to put her out there several weeks ago, I thought it might be nice to have 

her here on the inside with me where I can see her from my comfy blue chair.

Then the Billing Angels needed a new home so, for now, they've been watching over me 

from this cozy cubby as well.

Blessed be.

.           *            .

Remembrance - Day 20 of 40

Resting in the warmth of their love. 

❤️  .  🔥  .  ❤️

.             *             .

Remembrance - Day 19 of 40

My dear confirmation sponsor and kind teacher 

along with a gentle family of authors 

who have deeply touched and reassured me 

in places where I needed it most.

Wise guides all 4 

and welcomed spiritual nourishers 

inviting me by both their words and their example to 

"Live it, Baby Girl."

Blessed be.

.          *            .

Secret Reach Glass-Fire

Yes. 

(Smiling softly as I had gotten way behind

on publishing blogposts

so I'm not sure why I did this reading

or what it affirmed for me.

But my "yes" 

tells me it was spot on.

💕

.         *           .

Remembrance - Day 18 of 40

Thankful for these two and so many others. 

💕  .  💕

.         *           .

Remembrance - Day 17 of 40

So I had 4 babies I wanted to remember - 2 little girls and 2 little boys (daddy's big brother 

and my sister's sweet little one). I really loved the idea of putting them together.

And So loving that these special angel boys are paired with Dr Periman, my cancer dr.

I wasn't too sure about the word "consume" and almost put it back but I thought, no, it's the
word that chose me.  Just sit with it and see what comes.

Then I saw them all grinning at me... I felt AWFUL Monday night and all day yesterday,
throwing up twice, 8 hours apart. Yuck. I'm pretty sure it was the very acidic spaghetti
sauce I'd made with wine in it.

So between them and Archangel Ariel, I saw them wisely reminding me to use care in
what I watch, read, eat, and take in.

Yes.

As an aside, Tadd said "you can't hold your liquor, can you?" 😉 It's not the first time I've
gotten that sick after eating something with wine in it. The last time was after we ate out
to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in FL.

.        *              .

Remembrance - Day 16 of 40

Two dear shelters in the storm 

where who I truly am was encouraged, nourished 

and loved. 

💕

.     .     .     .     .

Remembrance - Day 15 of 40

A good and timely reminder that,

as I practice remembering,

it's important to tell the truth.

.          *          .

Eventide Remembrance

.         *         .

Remembrance - Day 14 of 40

.          *         .

Remembrance - Circles of Love

Continuing to bask in their love

and hold them close

as I draw more names.

.            *            .

Remembrance - Day 13 of 40

💙   .   🕯   .   🙏🏻   .   🕯   .   💙

.        *        .

Remembrance - Day 12 of 40

Once again, I find myself smiling fondly

at the 2 lovelies that showed up together. 

.      .      .     .      .

Nightie was a playful soul that I met in a shared online space.  We cared a great deal for 

one another and, even as busy as she was, when she noticed I went quiet she would send 

me a little love note to check on me and see how I was doing.  She was a quiet one and 

whether we noticed it or not, her strength held us.  "Den Guardian" was the perfect role 

and name for her.  She was (and still is) our Protectress.

She lived several states away and I had the very good fortune of seeing and hugging her 

in person several years in a row.  At my first of our group's annual gatherings and feeling

a bit nervous, we were invited to stand so our leader could go around the circle and bless

each one of us.  Sure, I could've reached down for Bert and Ernie for support.  Instead I 

asked Nightie if she would help me and she was right there for me to lean on (again).

Several years later at our group's annual gathering she hosted a Babylon 5 trivia contest.  

So that I could play with at least a little knowledge, hubby and I watched all the episodes

before our convention.  Grinning because it just might've delighted her more than it did 

me that I came in second place and won the little figurine leaning against my candle.

The last time I saw her was 6 years ago at our annual September "in the fur" gathering 

which I *almost* didn't attend.  I'm so glad I did because 2-1/2 weeks later she was gone. 

A year later I believe she did come to check on me in person.  I was sitting at the little

church that I so love to attend on a dark Saturday night.  When I turned around to offer

the sign of peace, a woman who's hair and build reminded me *eerily* of Nightie was 

standing behind me.  I was working up the courage to ask her after mass if we might 

could share a hug in honor of my friend but when I turned back around?  She had slipped

out.  While I was sad, somehow it felt right to be looked in on for a few brief moments.

And just like her . . .  she saw that I was fine and so she went on about her other rounds.

.      .     .     .     .

Margie was the play therapist at The Children's Hospital in Boston and just the breath 

of fresh air I needed during a difficult time.  We met her on my first short trip up for 

evaluation when Moma was with me.  I made the second trip up for 7-1/2 weeks of 

radiation by myself and spent most of my outpatient days on the oncology floor, waiting 

for the woman who had generously opened her home to me to finish her volunteer 

work and was ready to take me home with her for the night.  

Back home the hospital I stayed in didn't have a children's ward so this was a whole 

new world to me.  Along with Margie's steady weekday company, one of the most 

memorable lessons for me was, unless we weren't feeling well, we were expected 

to get up, get dressed and stroll down to the huge, bright playroom at the end of the 

hall.  This helped me to understand how influential the way we behave can very much

have an effect on how we feel.  We were kids with cancer, not cancer that had kids.  

The playroom was filled with all sorts of toys and one wall was lined with windows 

overlooking the city.  Margie often sat in one of the small chairs at the low-to-the-

ground tables, perfectly adjusted for kids.  

I remember she was the one who taught me how to say "Massachusetts" ("chew" not 

"too") and she had a big, ready smile.  She was a welcomed companion and anchor in 

the storm that I came to rely on.  

I wish I had her address or knew how to contact her and have tried several times but

to no avail.  Perhaps it's how it's meant to be.

.      .      .     .      .

When we die . . .

Failed attempts to stay connected to one another . . . 

Sometimes . . . ?

It's all a Mystery.

Still.

They were both very much about Seeking Joy.

and I loved them dearly.

Blessed be.

💙  .  🙏🏻  .  💙

.           *          .

Incandescent Grace

.            *            .

Remembrance - Day 11 of 40

Smiling that these two showed up together. Lalor will often say that her name rhymes 

with "Taylor."

.   .   .   .   .

I met Dennis in college thru a graduate research study he was doing on folks with 

Raynaud's Syndrome.  He wanted to see if this phenomenon, nicknamed the "patriot's 

disease" because our extremities turn red, white, and blue, might have a stress related 

component and, if so, could the symptoms be curbed with the use of biofeedback.  Turns 

out the answer to both is yes.  

He was a kind soul who I always knew cared about me as a person.  I was not just a 

means to an end for him.  It was a sad day several years ago when I tried to reconnect 

with him and discovered he had already passed before I could say thank you (again).

.    .    .    .    .

Lalor is the dear woman who led the book group that I faithfully participated in for as 

long as she did them.  She is a spiritual director and I always appreciated her willingness

to let us wrestle.  Her womb of an office was a safe place to bravely struggle through 

the books we read together and/or whatever was on our hearts.  

She also had a deep fondness for me, even as I struggled with the other members in

our group.  She loved me even when I found it hard to love.  And that meant the 

world to me.

.     .     .     .     .

The other interesting thing about these two and the word Restore arriving on the same day?  

I was tired and seeing the three together brought a very warm smile.  

Yes.  

I believed that both of them would want me to restore by resting.  I could catch up here 

on another day.  

(Which is just what I did.)

Blessed be.

.           *          .

New Mercies Every Morning

💛    .    🙏🏻   .    🍁

.           *          .

Wordless Wednesday :: Light

🕯

.           *           .

Remembrance - Day 10 of 40

Gathering the Love

Cody was a kind soul who left our world too soon.  The last time I saw him was at my

uncle's funeral.  I'd always held a deep fondness and it'd been decades since we last

saw one another.  I was surprised to find him in tears as he hugged me.  Did he love

my uncle that much?

No, 

she says softly and tenderly.

Turns out he was that glad to see me.  Not long after my cancer was diagnosed as a 

teen his family moved away and he thought I had died many years ago.  So to him?

My standing in front of him and hugging him was a miracle!  What a blessing and 

very good reminder for me.  My life is a gift.

.      .      .      .     .

I love that these two came together.  Linda was one of the many "mamas" I gathered

around myself as mine had left.  She was a beautiful woman filled with love and, 

whenever she could, she took time to be with me.  As did many of the mothers of

the sons in our 4-H club.

Blessed be.

.               *               .

Remembrance - Day 9 of 40

Today I shall be remembering Moma's daddy, a man with a true gift for music that I wish 

I had known better. I do so find Joy in singing, as did Moma, so it warms my heart 

knowing that he had a part in that Gift passed down thru her. 

.   .   .   .   .

I've long wished that I remembered this very dear woman's name. I didn't get her often 

during the 3 long, lonely months spent in the hospital here, 3 weeks after Tadd and I 

married, and just 8 short months after we'd moved to a whole new-to-me land, far away 

from all my family and friends.

But the days when I did? 

Her kind presence *deeply* soothed my weary and broken spirit. Unlike the usual tech 

who roughly bustled about in a very business-as-usual fashion (it must be quite the 

uncomfortably vulnerable task to be asked to wash patients' bodies day in and day out), 

this precious, elderly angel patiently hummed hymns as she gently bathed my body. I 

didn't realize it until just now... unlike most of the doctors who came into my room 

every day (it was a teaching hospital and I was a very rare case so there were a lot!), it 

felt like she had all of the time in the world for me with not a drop of desire to be 

anywhere else but there with me. I simply can't put into words what a true gift that was 

during one of the most excruciating and lonely times in my life.

See there? Remembering her tender loving care this morning still brings tears filled 

with profound gratitude.

There's not a doubt in my mind that she was "God with Skin" for me during that 

agonizing time, a softly sweet spirit sent to help shore up the bereft child inside my 

heart who felt so very lost, broken and alone.

Ah, yes. 

Grace indeed. 💙

(Smiling softly as I chose my mug 

before I drew this morning's names)

.   .   .   .   .

Adding a postscript... I'm only sharing all of my photos and stories here on my blog.  

My main concern is it would feel like too much pressure plus I don't want to lose my 

focus by getting too caught up in the "performance" of my intentional remembrance 

pilgrimage, if that makes sense.

Still, she adds with a soft smile, some stories feel like they are meant to be named and 

honored in a special way. Like this one. 

And I'm so glad I did!  The comments I received helped to deepen my gratitude for this

very kind woman and our time together so long ago.  One friend reminded me that she 

would have wanted to help ease my spirit and it was a blessing to her to try to do just 

that by softly humming while gently washing.  

Another friend's comment reminded me that Touch is one of my love languages and

what better way to love on a water baby than warm soapy water and hymns?   

True balm for the Body, Soul, Heart, and Spirit.

Blessed be.

.          *          .

Awaken to Love . . .

Another new-to-me archangel. 

Another new and welcomed traveling companion. 

Blessed be.

.             *             .

Autumn Afternoon Invitation

After walking to the mailbox on this gorgeous day,

I decided to spend some time in my swing.

As I was formatting the above picture,

this little red leaf gently floated down, 

landing on my mail-filled sack.

An invitation to look up and pay attention? 

 😉

As I was walking in, I found this *huge* leaf!

I decided to bring it in 

along with my playful little red reminder.

Such a festive, personal invitation to be Grounded right here 

and to find Joy in this very moment. 

🍁  .  ❤️  .  🍁

.         *           .

Remembrance - Day 8 of 40

Granddaddy, she says with a twinkle,

was another of those crusty curmudgeons with a

marshmallow center that I dearly loved.

And he loved me, too.

I enjoyed teasing with him and being with him

and he is the one that gifted me with my special chair. 

.   .   .   .   .   .

Mommie Schrommie is a dear wise soul

that I am so grateful to still be in contact with.

She was the first *woman!* priest I ever met

and she challenged me in many (other) ways.

She supported and loved me thru

many a difficult day. 

It still touches me so that,

even when I wasn't one of her official flock,

she took me right in to the home of her heart

and loved me as her own.

And she still does.

Blessed be.

💛  . 🕯 .  💙

Timely Message from Archangel Haniel

yes

.          *             .

Remembrance - Day 7 of 40

Smiling big as these two 

are the *Perfect* Sunday morning pilgrimage companions. 

💜 . 💜

Judy, my favorite chaplain at the hospital was the very first woman minister that I'd 

ever met.  She was both tender and tough and we spent so many hours together at my 

bedside and once she had me over to her home to share a meal with her and her two

children.  Probably shouldn't have but did anyway.  I liked that rebel side of her.  It

inspired me.  

She was one of those dears that I continued to send Christmas greetings to and I was 

delighted whenever I'd hear back from her.  Last year, her card was returned as 

non-deliverable and so I did some googling and discovered she had passed.  Her obit 

includes a picture and while she doesn't look like I remember, I do love the photo as it

captures her mischievous side.  

.     .    .     .      .

Karl was my most dearest and most precious Al-Anon sponsors and we walked thru

*a lot* together, including my Moma's death.  He listened and loved, listened and offered

wisdom, and then listened and loved some more.  I've often said he provided some of

my best mothering because it's true.  I would *not* be the woman I am today were it

not for his precious presence in my life.

.     .    .     .      .

Yes, wise angels, these two dears in particular encouraged me to be Brave while also 

providing the safe space and brave containers that I needed to process so many of my 

feelings so I could do just that.

Blessed be.

.           *           .

Kitchen Pot Guardians

Crock and Insta

(Looking to try my hand at pot pies.)

.          *           .

Remembrance - Day 6 of 40

Dr. Cannon was a wise psychology professor and I felt very blessed to be included under

his wing, a place usually reserved for divorced women starting their lives over and looking

to support themselves and their children.

He had so many gems of wisdom that he shared over and over in class (so we'd remember)

and, to this day I often quote him.  He also saved me (and others) a lot of heartbreak by

walking me out of my very last exam under him, put his arm around me and gently said

he didn't think I was cut out for the front lines.  It was very hard to hear this from him...

what else would I do with my life?  But what I also knew in my bones is that he deeply

cared for me and if this crusty curmudgeon was telling me this in such a tender way?

I needed to listen. 

And, in time, I came to know he was very right.    

When I was creating my list of 40's, I originally had planned to put him on a blue slip

of paper but then I got to wondering if perhaps he'd already passed.  In doing a bit of 

googling I found his obituary here.  Rest in Peace, Dr. Cannon!

.     .     .     .     .

Bill iss a kind soul who was very supportive of me not long after my parents divorced.

I'm not sure how we got connected really, other than being in the same parish.  He has 

a wonderful hearty laugh and helped me to reason things out a few times, even going to

bat for me once when I'd hit a car in a parking lot.  

I love that we've exchanged Christmas greetings all these years.  Although, she says with

a sad smile, his health has been deteriorating and he made a note in last year's card that

it may be the last one he sends.  I send him my love and prayers.

.     .     .     .     .

At first I felt confused when "Engage" came up with these two men but then I looked

it up in my guidebook.  "Engagement means making an active connection with 

someone or something.  Accepting the invitation."  Ah, yes.... I see it, angels.  Both of

these fellas kindly accepted the invitation to be gentle guides in my life.

Blessed be.

💜  .  💛  .  💜

.          *           .

SaveSave

Remembrance - Day 5 of 40

Mary Ann was a very dear soul,

a greeter at the quiet little church

that I like to slip off to on a Saturday evening.

Whenever she saw me, she always lit up

and had the biggest hug,

ready and waiting.

If hubby was with me, she hugged him, too.

If he wasn't, she asked about him.

She always called me her angel which touched my heart.

But what she didn't realize?

She was more of an angel to me than I could ever be to her.

She passed unexpectedly in her sleep the day after Christmas.

I just "happened" to be at mass that next Saturday. 

So while it knocked me in the heart to hear of her passing,

I was so grateful to be able to attend her funeral.

It didn't surprise me a bit that she was so very loved.

.   .   .   .   .

Sandy was one of my very first nurses.

She was always so kind and supportive of me

and she was the best "sticker" I knew.

She could always get the needle in for my next iv

which with my veins?

Was no simple task.

One of the medications I received,

adriamycin, was a devil of a drug.

You could only receive so much of it 

before it would start to do damage to your heart

and it had to be *exactly* in your vein or it would tear up

the tissue it came in contact with.

Knowing this Sandy always started her search for good vein

with rubber gloves on.

But if she couldn't get the vein just right, she often removed 

the glove so she would be sure to get it.

How do I know this?

Because her hands were covered in red splotches

where the medicine had dripped out on her skin and burned it.

There was something about knowing that about her,

that she wanted to get it right that bad?

I felt like she was truly in the battle for my life

with me.

At first, I was upset with my doctor 

for taking her away to be his nurse

at the new cancer center he'd helped build.

But when he said it was *because* she was such a good stick

and shouldn't that be where she belonged?

I understood.

Yes, of course, he was right.

(But I didn't hafta like it :) )

.   .   .   .   .

Listen is exactly perfect.

I felt heard, seen, cared for,

 and loved by both of them.

Blessed be.

.            *            .

November Remembrance - The Story & Day 4 of 40

So I had this idea. . .

And as wonderful ideas sometimes do, it's been blossoming into a lovely practice for this, 

the month of Remembrance, that blessed time of year when we intentionally remember 

our loved ones who have passed on.

I'm not sure, she says with a twinkling grin, why it never really occurred to this deep lover 

of the Communion of Saints before that *this* is the perfect time to honor and celebrate 

those I dearly love and a concept that speaks so deeply to my soul. This one is in my bones.

So! With next month being the 40th anniversary of the discovery of my bone cancer and 

my parents divorce, and a friend reminding me that 40 is a significant number in the Bible 

(the Israelites wandered for 40 years and Jesus fasted for 40 days), I wondered if I could 

come up with 40 beloveds that have been particularly close to my heart and touched my

soul over the years? And, if so, might I ask them to pray for and walk with me during this 

holy Anniversary time? 

Turns out, she says with a fond smile, that I came up with more than 40! (Who knew?!) 

As I was listing those treasured ones, dearies that have not yet passed (thank you, 

Mama Grace!) kept coming to mind as well. Smiling big as I remembered we are all a 

part of the Communion of Saints so why not? Could I come up with 40 treasured living 

souls as well? (Turns out there were more than 40 of those as well). So by this time, I'm 

feeling deeply grateful and tenderly held. 

I originally thought I would just make a list of those sweet souls and keep it close and that 

list is here, gently propped against the lamp (a light unto my feet). Then it dawned on me, 

why don't I also put their names on slips of paper - cream for departed, blue for still here - 

and draw one of each in the morning to see who in particular I might ask to spend that day 

of remembrance with me? Then I thought what if I chose a word and an angel card, too, 

and just prayerfully played with how they might all fit together?

With my box of words hanging out on the dining room table this morning, I drew my word 

first on my way here to my chair. "Hmmmm.. Trickster," I thought. Sitting down and settling 

in with my warm cup of creamy chai on this chilly, rainy autumn morning, I gently shook 

up my box of names and drew these 2 beauties out. I'm still grinning big as these two in 

particular had a wonderfully playful mischievous side. Tricksters of the very best kind indeed.

Blessed be. 

❤️❤️

.           *           .

November Remembrance - Day 3 of 40

Annette and Susan are my husband's baby sister aunts

so it seemed right to include them together.

Annette was a month old when she died.

 Susan died in their dear mother's womb ten years later.

While we've never met,

I trust they both watch over both hubby and me

and I warmly welcome them 

into my circle of dearly beloveds

(where they belong).

.     .     .

Terri, a few years ahead of me in college, 

is a dear soul who played guitar and

who gave me a lot of the love I needed

when we in Newman club together.  

I am still so touched by one memory in particular.

After an emotional day at a weekend retreat,

we were sitting under the low-to-the-ground

wide wingspan of a sheltering tree, 

Terri's arm protectively, firmly wrapped around my weeping self.

She was a willing and wondrous container 

and in that moment I felt so tended, so held and so loved.

Looking up, I commented how it felt like 

we were under a protective mama bird's caring wing.

.     .     .

Ah, Mama Grace, 

you were already calling to me way back then,

weren't you?

So in a very real way, 

this trio is a Blessed Bridge to you

and all of my Auntie Angels.

Blessed be.

.          *          .

 

November Remembrance ~ Day 2 of 40

It's interesting that "Wrestle" came with today's names.

And that Blessing has a home snuggled up next

to St. Joseph right now.

A timely, visual reminder of 

Jacob wrestling with the angel

until he received his blessing.

Viola used to help with the family housekeeping

and meal preparation when my Daddy was a youngster.

As a teen, we re-connected with her 

and, on our first visit,

we began calling her 

Grandma Viola at my initiative.

(Always the Grandma magnet here :) )

Viola and I exchanged letters which delighted 

my pen pal's heart.

But. 

As our relationship drew on,

there was a lot of pressure coming from her 

about when and how often I wrote.

It got to the point where I felt resentful 

and didn't want to write to her anymore.

For whatever reasons, I was unable to let go.

So the reality is that there is some "ick" that arises 

when I think of her.

Ah, more wrestling to be done.  

Which is why I included her...

a gentle reminder that healing 

can and does continue after one of us 

has passed beyond the veil.

Dexter was my first angel.

The ambulance had just deposited me back in the hospital,

a place I did not want to be

but I was very sick so it's where I needed to be.

Being still so new to Georgia

and a brand new bride, I wanted to get on with my life.

I didn't want to have to continue to fight

the massive infection.

It was the worst I'd experienced

and second worst the doctor at Emory,

who traveled around the world teaching 

about how to treat big-time infections,

had ever seen. 

Sobbing from the excruciating pain 

(both the worst bodily pain I'd ever been in

but also deep, emotional pain) 

in my new bed on the wrong floor, 

Dexter arrived.

I held out my hand and he just held it 

for me as I cried, 

and I cried,

and I cried.

A couple of times I tried to stop crying

but he told me, "No!  You need to cry."

Not only was he right, 

he stayed with me until I was done.

Smiling softly as Wrestle fits for him, too.

The only time I ever saw him again

was the day his rotation ended.

He had come to apologize that he hadn't been

back to see me, saying that he just couldn't 

bring himself to come back.

A kind gesture to be sure.

And yet it didn't matter to me.

What *did* matter was he was there

when I most needed him to be.  

So while he may have wrestled,

I did not.

I tried to stay in touch with him,

she adds sadly, but he never wrote back.

So I let him go.  

I wish him well in his continued ministry.

Blessed be.

.           *           .

November Remembrance - Day 1 of 40

Gina Pender was a very devout soul

and friend of our family. 

She strongly believed in and 

talked often about the importance of prayer 

- hers, mine and others.

There was never any doubt in my mind

that she was constantly praying for me. 

She was my encourager to continue praying 

even while I was struggling with bone cancer

and grieving the end of my parents' marriage.

A true light of Hope at a time 

when things were really, *really* dark.

She also made it possible for me to have

some of the actual holy water from the 

Our Lady of Lourdes shrine in France.

(I later passed the remaining water

to my younger cousin, 

who eventually died from cancer.)

Cathy Smith is a dear friend and sister

who I have laughed with, cried with,

and shared hearts with for 

more than 12 years.

Both of these precious women have 

been vessels to and for me...

in different capacities.

The first, passed beyond the veil, 

a vessel of prayer.

The second, still gratefully here, 

a vessel of empathy.

Both cherished vessels of love.

Blessed be.

.          *          .